The Great War of Words: Thoughts on The Transgender Bathroom Debate

Lately things have been kind of difficult for me. I've had some tense situations at the school I teach at, where I was awkwardly confronted by a couple different students who had googled my name. Of course, both of these instances occurred in front of entire classes of students which created a great deal of drama--think panic attacks on my part. These instances forced me to come out to my administrator, which ended up being great but it caused even more anxiety. On top of all that, I'm so sick of being constantly bombarded by the war over bathrooms and transgender individuals. 

Seriously, hearing the constant harangue against transgender individuals hurts a lot. I'm tired of hearing that I'm merely deluded, that I'm crazy, and that I'm less than human because of feelings that I have. This pain has been taking its toll on me, which has given me a chance to really consider why I find it so hard. I've had a lot of chances lately to think about fear; because deep down inside, if I'm being honest with myself, I live in a world filled with fear. 

I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being misunderstood, afraid of being confronted for being different, afraid of not being seen as good enough. I'm afraid of being labeled crazy. I'm even afraid of not even being seen as a real person. 

At the heart of these fears is the issue of self-identification. I constantly see the idea of self-identification as being mocked, ridiculed, and derided as simply absurd. Just this morning in regards to a news story addressing the bathroom issue, I saw the mocking question, "Well what if I felt like I was cow; would you respect my right to be treated as a cow?"

Now I can't really speak to or answer any of the questions revolving around self-identification. It's a confusing question, and I get that nothing about it seems logical. In the end, all I can do is share my experience. On a deep and fundamental level I feel female. You might call this self-identification, but to me it just is. That single fact lies at the very foundation of my life. I can't run away from it, I can't hide from it, and I'm constantly reminded of it. I tried running away from it and spent years desperately trying to pray these feelings away and deny them a place in my life. I tried confronting it and spent years in therapy before I accepted the fact that these feelings were never going to change. And I've spent years trying to come to a place of acceptance and balance in my life. At this point, I haven't socially transitioned, I don't demand that particular pronouns be used, and I don't demand to be treated as a female. But that doesn't change the fact that near the very center of my identity are my feelings of being female.

Because this feeling is so fundamentally a part of me, I consider my feelings of a feminine identity nearly sacred. I mean, surely God gave me these feelings for a reason. This is a defining part of who I am. Nearly everything in my life has been shaped through the lens of gender dysphoria.

The current dialogue revolves not so much around actions but around my very sense of identity, which isn't ever going to change. This really hurts. So much of the work I have been trying to do revolves around accepting yourself. That it's ok to have gender dysphoria, that there isn't shame, that in the end you have the freedom to choose how you would like to live your life, and that there are lots of different paths that you can follow. I feel like this open moderate road I've been trying to build is being trampled on and destroyed.

Now this may feel like a harangue against conservatives, but it isn't. Progressives have their own way of discarding any middle roads. After I came out to a close, quite progressive friend, this individual asked me which pronoun I would prefer, which in general is a really empowering thoughtful question. I responded that I try not to make pronouns a big deal, but if they really wanted to know female pronouns certainly make me feel more comfortable since male pronouns are quite triggering. The response I got still shocks me. I was told that once I transitioned they would happily use female pronouns. I felt like I was being pressured to just 'accept' who I really was and transition. Only then would I earn the right to be accepted.

I find myself often feeling crushed between these two competing ideologies. On one hand I'm told to just accept reality: biology says I'm male so I can't have any kind of female identity. On the other hand, I'm told to just accept reality: my identity is who I am and I just need to transition and accept myself. I realize that in every sense that I am biologically male, and I know perfectly well that I feel female. Yet, everyone seems to think that they need to tell me exactly how to live my life. Why can't I be allowed to choose who I would like to be?

I guess the concluding point I would like to make is that there are certainly plenty of places surrounding transgender issues that we as society need to have a conversation. There are ethical questions that need to be navigated by all sides. A real conversation needs to occur. But the one thing that we aren't equipped to discuss is my individual identity, or anyone else's. The one thing we can say is that they are children of God who deserve our love and need us to help them find a middle road where they are free to make their own choices and rid themselves of self-hatred and debilitating shame. 

So in your internet journeys, when things get heated, remember those of us trying to find a middle road. We aren't trying to upend society or force you to change. We are merely trying to keep on living while avoiding getting crushed by the war of words currently engulfing our nation.

Transgender Individuals and the 'Bathroom Issue' : Some Thoughts on the Recent Washington Law

I recently received the following question:

"First off, I want to thank you (and Amy) for writing about your experiences with gender dysphoria and helping people like myself understand the issue so much better. Prior to your 'coming out' I had very little experience with transgendered people and, living in a very Democratic state, the little I had read was so politically charged that it was hard to form my own opinions.

Anyway, maybe you've heard about this, but I recently learned that the Washington State Human Rights Commission has adopted a policy allowing transgendered individuals to use the bathrooms and locker rooms that align with their gender preference. This includes locker rooms in schools. Parents in my ward are understandably uncomfortable with this new policy, especially regarding their kids in school. I have some serious qualms with it myself. But I want to try to understand both sides of the issue and I was wondering if you would be willing to share what your take on it is. It's such a confusing subject. Thanks!"

I wanted to take a moment and try my very best to address this sensitive subject. Obviously this post is simply some of my own thoughts and opinion on the issue. I haven't spent more than 30 minutes or so quickly looking into the Washington law and news coverage surrounding the law so I am by no means an expert.

Being transgender, I've personally lived through this issue, and it was an issue even though I had never 'come out' to my peers. I still can't think back on junior high P.E. classes without wincing. I was rejected, ostracized, mocked, and ridiculed for being different. I remember routinely being shoved into the girls locker room and having the door to the locker room held shut because that's where 'I belonged,' only being let out once the coach made an appearance. I remember changing as quickly as possible and just hoping that I would be left alone long enough to leave. Trying to change in a corner away from everyone else, and just feeling so uncomfortable about the whole experience.

That's without even considering how mentally triggering the entire experience is. Being in a locker room is a constant reminder that my perception of my gender does not match my physical sex. I pretty much completely avoid locker rooms to this day. I cannot deal with that reminder, it's simply too painful.

That was my experience without any overt actions on my part that would identify me as trans. Can you imagine how much harder that would be after 'coming out' to junior high and high school peers?

These youth need some form of protection. Enough transgender youth commit suicide or commit self harm already. The real questions revolves around what these protections should look like. Washington's new law is the latest to set some form of protections for transgender individuals stating loosely that locker room and restroom use is based on 'gender preference.' Now, I quickly looked for more details as to exactly what that means and how it will be enforced and I haven't been able to find many specific details. I'm assuming that more specific details are forthcoming. (If any reader has more info leave it in the comment section and I'll amend the post as necessary).

In essence the complaint about the law revolves around the fact that they drew the line at preference rather than tying the law to specific medical or psychological requirement. This idea of a requirement is quite problematic. To demonstrate let's do a theoretical exercise. Let us for a moment imagine (using the current bathroom binary of male/female) how we could go about drawing lines on who gets to use what bathroom.

I think the public is generally in agreement that postoperative transgender individuals can use the restroom that matches their gender identity (even Rep. Graham Hunt [currently leading the push in Washington to repeal the law] agrees to that). The question then is where preoperative or nonoperative transgender individuals who are presenting as their preferred gender need to go. 

Ask yourselves the following questions. Do we currently even provide a safe space for these individuals (other then the restroom they would prefer to use)? Where are these individuals supposed to go?

When considering these questions ask yourself 'Have I ever felt unsafe using the restroom of the gender I identify with?' Chances are that you haven't, yet all over the country transgender individuals are already using the restroom or locker room that matches their gender identity without anyone, including you, being the wiser. A huge majority of the time this is a complete non-issue. A transgender woman (male to female) presenting as female simply cannot walk into the men's restroom without unwanted attention while entering the women's restroom often goes unnoticed.

Another thing to remember is that the last thing most preoperative or nonoperative transgender individuals want is to be reminded that their physical sex doesn't match their own gender identity. Concerns about preoperative transgender women in locker rooms exposing their genitalia to underage girls are largely unfounded (To my knowledge a single example is often cited). Exhibitionist behavior in a public locker room would highlight the disparity between gender identity and biological sex, and would bring about subsequent feelings of dysphoria. In general, transgender individuals try and use public spaces as unobtrusively as possible. Being revealed as trans or an 'impostor' is just too mentally damaging.

In the end we provide enough privacy in restrooms and even in locker rooms that the vast majority of the time this is a non-issue. It's not so much the reality of the situation that we find uncomfortable (it occurs regularly) but the idea of it occurring. 

The most sensitive conversations occur around schools or youth facilities. A youth can only transition to a certain extent, while they can be prescribed hormone blockers until a certain age they can't be placed on hormone replacement therapy. Even if they are placed on hormone replacement therapy they cannot have Sexual Reassignment Surgery. If restroom use is consigned to genitalia a biologically male 17 year old who has been on cross gender hormones and now has breasts and looks in every way like a female (other than genitalia) would be forced to use the mens locker room and male restrooms. Clearly this is not a safe space for that individual. But we cannot only consider the safety of the transgender individual, we also need to consider the safety of the rest of the school as well.

Now, I can't find any of the details behind the Washington law but I am sure that there are particulars--especially in a school environment--that help regulate what it means to be officially labeled as transgender. If I were to imagine any policy, I would imagine that there would be a note from a doctor or therapist that confirms the diagnosis of gender dysphoria. I would also imagine that the individual would be required to present in alignment to their gender identity. This should help limit abuses. I would also imagine that penalties for abusing the law would be very steep to discourage any possible abuse.

With such protections in place, I don't think the average person needs to be concerned about the law in relation to children in schools. Far less than 1% of the population identifies as transgender, only a small percentage of those people are actively thinking about transitioning (i.e., if you are bi-gender or non-gender binary or even just too scared of the consequences), of those only a small number have already come to terms with their gender identity (for youths their families also have to come to terms as well) and are ready to transition. The chances that these individuals are in your child's P.E. class is statistically quite small.

Now, obviously statistically small things happen all the time. But I would recommend dealing with this issue on a case by case basis. If this issue were to arise I would recommend the following. First, talk to your child and ask them how they feel about it. Are they feeling insecure or harassed? Are they feeling unsafe? Have there been any behaviors that make them feel unsafe? If they are feeling at risk, than obviously the issue needs to be brought to school administrations attention. Your student should always feel safe. If most children feel safe but your child does not, then by Washington law, a separate space must be provided for your child to change. If enough students don't feel safe then perhaps for that transgender student other accommodations would need to be made. If enough problems arise from this model then the entire model would need to be reconsidered. So your voice is valuable, if it is directly affecting your student's life. But the inverse is also true, if your student doesn't have a problem with the situation, then it ought to be a non-issue.

So in the end, I would say unless you are actively confronted with the issue it's probably not an issue you need to actively be concerned about. If you or your child ever actively feel uncomfortable I would recommend reporting it to the appropriate authority. This issue is still an issue that we need to continue to have a dialogue about and an issue where every one has a right to feel safe. We, as a society, are still struggling to figure out what a safe space for everyone looks like. There might still be some bumps on the way as we figure that out.

On a side note, what I would personally prefer would be to to see gender neutral spaces, locker rooms, and bathrooms appearing in public facilities. It's certainly the space that I would choose and prefer to use (Already I prefer using single stall family bathrooms if available, I find gendered spaces terribly triggering). I also have no problem leaving some spaces gendered for those who are uncomfortable with the gender neutral spaces. If gender neutral spaces were made more readily available I would be ecstatic. These spaces would mean that society as a whole was trying to accommodate people like me in some way. And frankly, any acknowledgement is a step in the right direction.

Some thoughts on the recent policy change : Church Policy and Compassionate Ministration

A lot of frustration, tears, and ink has been liberally poured over discussion of the recent policy change by the Church. The 'discussion' (if I dare call it a word so civil) on Facebook between members of the same Church (yes we are on the same side here) has often reached toxic levels. On one side raw hurt feelings led to some harsh things being said about the Church which led to some individuals immediately labeling all people who were hurt and potentially disagreed with the policy change as apostate.

Now, I'm not writing to actually discuss my opinion about the policy change. Frankly, my opinion doesn't even matter. Instead I hope to add some perspective to the conversation.

For those of you who don't have any idea why people would be upset and disagree, here are some thoughts:

• First, no one is in apostasy for merely disagreeing with policy. Policy isn't eternal principle. In fact, most of the time policy is a mortal attempt to imperfectly reflect those eternal principles. Policy is often the part of the Church that does change, while eternal principle remains the same.
• Second, as a junior high teacher I can amply attest to the fact that no one's feelings are hurt for no reason. People are hurting because of this policy, and anytime feelings are hurt there is a real reason behind the pain. As members of Christ's Church it is our solemn duty to comfort those in need of comfort, which first means attempting to understand their pain. This isn't an easy thing, but if you really ask, and really listen, perhaps the pain will begin to make sense.

As an example, I have a dear and amazing friend who is gay. He also deeply loves the Church and has a testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel. He has no idea how he is going to live his life and many tears have been shed over the conflict between the Church and his identity as gay. He is currently trying to live the gospel to the very best of his ability. The policy change really shook him up, starkly reminding him of the conflict he is trying to resolve in his life, and of his need to make a decision. His pain is very real, and I feel for his struggle.

If he does make choices that lead to his excommunication, should that change anything regarding my friendship? I certainly don't think so. If he and his partner want to come to Church and stay as close to the gospel as they can, I'm certainly going to do my best to make sure that they feel welcome and loved. Bishops and Stake Presidents can deal with policy, but policy doesn't change how I'm going to act.

I guess this would the principle I'm trying to live by: dispassionate policy needs to be balanced through loving and compassionate ministration.

I don't think policy was ever meant to be exercised without compassionate ministration. Policy might be the purview of the leadership of the Church, but compassionate ministration lies almost entirely in the hands of the average member. In short, it's our job as members to make sure everyone feels loved.

I'm not a leader of the Church, I've never really held any kind of leadership position. I'm a primary teacher and I do my best to build Zion in any little way that I can.

If you are gay and don't feel comfortable at Church the very least I can do is try and sit with you, be your friend, and make sure that you know that you are loved and have a place. It doesn't matter how you are choosing to live your life, nor should it.

If the recent policy change makes you worry about your children because you want them to be raised as close to the Church as possible, they will always have a place in my primary class. They will know that they are loved, no matter what else happens. If the youth go on a temple trip and your child can't go, the least I can do is work on gathering a group of people who can sit on the grounds of the temple with your child and make sure they feel welcome and loved.

I can't do a lot by myself, but hopefully the little things I can do will help those in need. Think of how wonderful the Church would be if we all did those little things.

I think this discussion is best summed up with my dad's very favorite primary song:

If you don't walk as most people do,

Some people walk away from you,

But I won't! I won't!

If you don't talk as most people do,

Some people talk and laugh at you,

But I won't! I won't!

I'll walk with you. I'll talk with you.

That's how I'll show my love for you.

Jesus walked away from none.

He gave his love to ev'ryone.

So I will! I will!

Jesus blessed all he could see,

Then turned and said, "Come, follow me."

And I will! I will!

I will! I will!

I'll walk with you. I'll talk with you.

That's how I'll show my love for you.

Let's all make sure that we are willing to walk with anyone.

Kyle Merkley