On Being Transgender

What does it mean to have gender dysphoria? What does it mean to be transgender?(1) What does it mean to feel like you are trapped in the wrong body, the wrong experiences, and often the wrong life? I dearly wish that this were easy to explain. I have striven for the words to explain what the experience is like many times, and I always feel like I fall far short.

Perhaps, dear reader, it is best to start with the concept of gender. Oftentimes the concept of gender is discussed as if it is purely a social construct; a set of rules and inhibitions that we follow because society forces us to. While I certainly agree that many of the concepts and ideas that we have about gender are socially constructed, I also believe that at the very foundation of gender there is something much more fundamental. Call it genetics, call it the soul, call it whatever you like. Because of this gender is a fundamental piece of the human experience. It is more essential to a person's identity than socio-economic class, sexuality, or ethnicity.

Now, most people never even think of their gender. It is so fundamental that it does not even have to be considered. This means that the pain and anguish caused by gender dysphoria is nearly inexplicable to those of you who do not experience it.

A quick examination of the symptoms leads many to assume that gender dysphoria isn't 'real.' It's a problem that many people with depression can relate to. How do you explain depression to someone who does not experience it? Too many people just assume all you need to do is toughen up. If you think depression is hard to explain make depression the symptom of an even more nebulous condition such as gender dysphoria.

All society can see is the symptoms of gender dysphoria--depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts and actions, etc.--and the 'band-aids' we try and use to deal with it--breaking gendered boundaries, presenting as the desired gender in public, and surgically altering birth sex.

For most people examining the band-aids doesn't make the condition any easier to understand. What I call a 'band-aid' is any of these actions or thoughts that reduces the pain caused by dysphoria and makes life a little more manageable.

Many band-aids are completely invisible. Everyday I do dozens of little things that help lessen the pain of gender dysphoria (like wearing brightly colored socks in a rainbow of colors, painting toenails with clear nail polish, always playing female characters in video games, cooking, even writing this blog... I could go on and on...). Most people would never even know that I was suffering or that anything was wrong. Some use larger, less-subtle band-aids such as presenting as their desired gender in public, asking to be called a different name, and even transitioning. These actions are extremely visible, can't be hidden from society, and are completely incomprehensible to someone who has never questioned their gender.

Now, why in the world would I call transition a band-aid, when, to the current medical consensus it's the only thing that could be called a cure? It seems like a simple solution, but in the end, almost everyone who transitions knows that no matter what they do their body will never perfectly match their mind. For younger people who are able to blend into society and and their chosen gender, the gender dysphoria nearly disappears. For people who cannot blend in as well, the gender dysphoria still remains an issue (even if to a greatly lessened extent). In the end transition lets your mind and body more closely match alleviating much of the dysphoria.

So often I read comments online deriding the choice to transition and attacking individuals who do. Every time such a comment is made all it does is trigger our dysphoria; reminding us that no matter what we do our minds and bodies won't perfectly match. And for those who have transitioned this reminds them that although they took the only medically available answer,(2) doing what doctors and therapists advised (and presented as the only answer) and was the only way they knew of to end the pain, they still can't live in peace.

Now most Mormons assume that our church has a clear position on this issue, which is not the case (more on this later). This assumption is rooted in a synthesis of two ideas. First, that gender is an eternal characteristic (as stated in the Proclamation to the World); and second, that God does not make mistakes. This leads to the idea that gender in this life must by necessity match gender in the next, but the concepts of gender and sex in this life are very confusing and imperfect. Genetic abnormalities, chromosomal defects, and a host of other issues create a great number of individuals who already do not fit into a clear gender or even sexual binary and who later in life often choose to change the gender in which they were arbitrarily defined. In documented cases of an inter-sex condition the church often gives full approval for the individual to transition. This means that for some individuals the only way to determine sex and gender is to ask the individual how they feel. This doesn't mean that their eternal gender changes just that here, in this fallen world, the situation is nebulous.

In the case of gender dysphoria the LDS church acknowledges that it does not have all the answers. Only a scant few sentences exist in any of the church handbooks detailing church policy. These sentences do not explicitly state that transitioning is wrong, nor do they encourage transition. This leads to a wide divergence in acceptance and treatment. How to deal with a member with gender dysphoria is largely left up to the wisdom and inspiration of local leaders.

Understanding of and compassion for individuals with gender dysphoria is often lacking in the Mormon community due to lack of general societal understanding, a scarcity of transgender individuals willing to share their experiences, an oversimplification of Mormon doctrine regarding the issue, lack of clear priesthood guidance, and a general difficulty in defining gender dysphoria.

I hope that with exposure to more of our stories that a more compassionate approach will be adopted. While it might be hard to understand gender dysphoria, the pain and suffering are very real. I can't even count the number of nights I have been on my knees praying with my Father in Heaven just to let it end; asking Heavenly Father to let me die so that I wouldn't have to deal with the pain anymore. I know that the issue is uncomfortable and moves people far outside their comfort zones, but I hope that you, dear reader, are willing to think deeply about this issue and then spread your thoughts and experiences to the rest of society.

Notes:

1) The distinction between the two terms gender dysphoria and transgender can be confusing. Gender dysphoria is the name of the diagnosis. Transgender is an umbrella term that encompasses people diagnosed with gender dysphoria. In this blog I will probably use the terms nearly interchangeably.

2) Currently, the medical community can offer no solution to the issue other than transition. No effective therapeutic techniques exist that can rid an individual of dysphoria.