“Inasmuch
as you have done it unto the least of these my brethren you have done it unto
me.” (Matt. 25:40)
Dear
readers,
When you
are transgender, there is nothing more painful then the three words: ‘but you
aren’t.’ I’ve seen this response from far too many people to Caitlyn Jenner’s
story. Now, I’m not here to write about Caitlyn Jenner. But
I would like to take a moment and focus on those three words: ‘but you aren’t.’
Here’s a
great example to start the conversation. There was a great story in the New
York Times a while back, about a transgender individual who had decided not to
transition. Instead, while designated female at birth and living in a female
body, he had decided that he would rather be referred to by a male name and
male pronouns. That was his primary coping mechanism for dealing with the
stress and pain of gender dysphoria.
Let’s
run through a hypothetical example of you, the reader, meeting this person on
the street. You talk for a bit, and the individual introduces himself with a
male name. You comment on how interesting that name is for a woman and he
gently corrects you explaining that he is transgender and that one of the ways
he copes with gender dysphoria is by asking people, who are willing, to refer
to him as male. It reduces the number of times per day he is triggered by his
gender dysphoria, and generally makes his life more liveable.
What is
your response? Is it compassionate? A simple OK would more than suffice. Or do
you respond with those three dreaded words ‘but you aren’t?’
You need
to understand the power of those three words. You are literally taking
someone’s identity in your hands and crushing it. You are evaluating their
coping mechanisms for an extremely difficult life challenge and declaring them
wrong; often without even knowing anything about the subject. This causes immense
pain. It can be unbearable. It’s easy to receive this single negative response
and drop into a cycle of depression and despair.
Those of
us who are transgender are deeply aware that we were born into a body that
doesn’t match our perceived gender. I promise we don’t need the reminder.
Let’s
move to an example a little closer to home. I’m transgender. I’ve chosen not to
transition (socially or surgically), and I have a whole slew of coping
mechanisms that help me function as an individual. After a lot of time and
thought I’ve realized that I cannot function unless I acknowledge the fact that
I’m transgender: I feel like a woman. I’m perfectly aware that I’m living in a
man’s body. It’s highly likely that my gender dysphoria is merely a product of
mortality and in the next life I will be perfectly happy being male. But this
knowledge does not change how I feel now,
nor does it solve the problems caused by gender dysphoria. All I’m trying to do
is find a way to be a functional human being while living with gender dysphoria,
while being a faithful member of the Church.
As I’ve
discussed being transgender and feeling like a woman those three dreaded words
have been spoken to me a number of times. Every time I hear ‘but you aren’t’ my
dysphoria is horribly triggered, and a wave of pain hits me, which is nearly
incapacitating as I am reminded that I am not who I feel like I should be. Afterwards I always wonder what they meant and what purpose this statement served.
Are they
saying that I can’t feel this way? That feelings like these are impossible? Are
they declaring my feelings wrong? Are they looking at my biological sex and
declaring that to be my gender?
What
exactly is the point of those three words?
I know
that physically I’m not a woman. I’m perfectly aware of that, thank you very
much. That doesn’t change the fact that I’ve spent my entire life feeling like
I am inside; feeling like I should have a woman’s body. Heck, I’ve spent my
whole life trying to figure out how to live with these feelings and since I am living with these feelings having
them can’t be impossible.
As far
as declaring the feelings wrong, we, as a Church, don’t ever declare feelings
to be wrong; take a look at the Church’s position on Same-Sex Attraction. But
unlike SSA, the Church really doesn’t have any specific policy on how to live
with transgender feelings so we are all left to do the best we can and attempt
to rely on personal revelation.
As far
as biology, I’m perfectly aware that I live in a male body; is there any reason
to remind me of that? I’m also perfectly aware that even if I did choose to
fully transition I would never be the same as a natal female.
All ‘but
you aren’t’ accomplishes is to cause a great deal of pain. It doesn’t fix
anything, and it doesn’t help in any way.
Let’s be
clear, the only reason an individual would ever transition is because they see
no possible way to live their life without transitioning. It truly is the path
of last resort. I know some people whose lives were literally saved by choosing
this path. These people were perfectly aware that some people wouldn’t
understand their decisions. They were perfectly aware that some people would
reject and deride them, and they were perfectly aware that as members of the
Church there were some consequences to their actions (side note: these
individuals are all currently active and retained their membership in the
Church). But it was the only way, and they really are in a better place now. They
aren’t trying to deceive anyone, they aren’t trying to live a lie, they are
just trying to live and transition was the only way they could see to do that.
After
some thought, I can’t think of a single productive reason for saying ‘but you
aren’t.’
I’m not
asking anyone to do anything they find uncomfortable. I’m never going to demand
that people refer to me by a female name or female pronouns, and I’d rather not
push gendered boundaries to the extent that people are uncomfortable. All I ask
is that people recognize that gender dysphoria is real, and that it causes real
distress and pain.
All I
want are some amazing individuals who are compassionate and who are willing to
walk with me as I try and navigate transgenderism and Mormonism. Individuals
who recognize that ‘but you aren’t’ has no place in the conversation.
Individuals
who are willing to replace ‘but you aren’t’ with ‘I love you.’
Personally,
I find that ‘I love you’ has a lot more power to bring us all closer to Christ.
Thanks
for reading,
Kyle
Merkley
