Caitlyn Jenner, Transgenderism, and the Three Terrible Words

“Inasmuch as you have done it unto the least of these my brethren you have done it unto me.” (Matt. 25:40)

Dear readers,

When you are transgender, there is nothing more painful then the three words: ‘but you aren’t.’ I’ve seen this response from far too many people to Caitlyn Jenner’s story. Now, I’m not here to write about Caitlyn Jenner. But I would like to take a moment and focus on those three words: ‘but you aren’t.’

Here’s a great example to start the conversation. There was a great story in the New York Times a while back, about a transgender individual who had decided not to transition. Instead, while designated female at birth and living in a female body, he had decided that he would rather be referred to by a male name and male pronouns. That was his primary coping mechanism for dealing with the stress and pain of gender dysphoria.

Let’s run through a hypothetical example of you, the reader, meeting this person on the street. You talk for a bit, and the individual introduces himself with a male name. You comment on how interesting that name is for a woman and he gently corrects you explaining that he is transgender and that one of the ways he copes with gender dysphoria is by asking people, who are willing, to refer to him as male. It reduces the number of times per day he is triggered by his gender dysphoria, and generally makes his life more liveable.

What is your response? Is it compassionate? A simple OK would more than suffice. Or do you respond with those three dreaded words ‘but you aren’t?’

You need to understand the power of those three words. You are literally taking someone’s identity in your hands and crushing it. You are evaluating their coping mechanisms for an extremely difficult life challenge and declaring them wrong; often without even knowing anything about the subject. This causes immense pain. It can be unbearable. It’s easy to receive this single negative response and drop into a cycle of depression and despair.

Those of us who are transgender are deeply aware that we were born into a body that doesn’t match our perceived gender. I promise we don’t need the reminder.  

Let’s move to an example a little closer to home. I’m transgender. I’ve chosen not to transition (socially or surgically), and I have a whole slew of coping mechanisms that help me function as an individual. After a lot of time and thought I’ve realized that I cannot function unless I acknowledge the fact that I’m transgender: I feel like a woman. I’m perfectly aware that I’m living in a man’s body. It’s highly likely that my gender dysphoria is merely a product of mortality and in the next life I will be perfectly happy being male. But this knowledge does not change how I feel now, nor does it solve the problems caused by gender dysphoria. All I’m trying to do is find a way to be a functional human being while living with gender dysphoria, while being a faithful member of the Church.

As I’ve discussed being transgender and feeling like a woman those three dreaded words have been spoken to me a number of times. Every time I hear ‘but you aren’t’ my dysphoria is horribly triggered, and a wave of pain hits me, which is nearly incapacitating as I am reminded that I am not who I feel like I should be. Afterwards I always wonder what they meant and what purpose this statement served.

Are they saying that I can’t feel this way? That feelings like these are impossible? Are they declaring my feelings wrong? Are they looking at my biological sex and declaring that to be my gender?

What exactly is the point of those three words?

I know that physically I’m not a woman. I’m perfectly aware of that, thank you very much. That doesn’t change the fact that I’ve spent my entire life feeling like I am inside; feeling like I should have a woman’s body. Heck, I’ve spent my whole life trying to figure out how to live with these feelings and since I am living with these feelings having them can’t be impossible.

As far as declaring the feelings wrong, we, as a Church, don’t ever declare feelings to be wrong; take a look at the Church’s position on Same-Sex Attraction. But unlike SSA, the Church really doesn’t have any specific policy on how to live with transgender feelings so we are all left to do the best we can and attempt to rely on personal revelation.

As far as biology, I’m perfectly aware that I live in a male body; is there any reason to remind me of that? I’m also perfectly aware that even if I did choose to fully transition I would never be the same as a natal female.

All ‘but you aren’t’ accomplishes is to cause a great deal of pain. It doesn’t fix anything, and it doesn’t help in any way.

Let’s be clear, the only reason an individual would ever transition is because they see no possible way to live their life without transitioning. It truly is the path of last resort. I know some people whose lives were literally saved by choosing this path. These people were perfectly aware that some people wouldn’t understand their decisions. They were perfectly aware that some people would reject and deride them, and they were perfectly aware that as members of the Church there were some consequences to their actions (side note: these individuals are all currently active and retained their membership in the Church). But it was the only way, and they really are in a better place now. They aren’t trying to deceive anyone, they aren’t trying to live a lie, they are just trying to live and transition was the only way they could see to do that.

After some thought, I can’t think of a single productive reason for saying ‘but you aren’t.’  

I’m not asking anyone to do anything they find uncomfortable. I’m never going to demand that people refer to me by a female name or female pronouns, and I’d rather not push gendered boundaries to the extent that people are uncomfortable. All I ask is that people recognize that gender dysphoria is real, and that it causes real distress and pain.

All I want are some amazing individuals who are compassionate and who are willing to walk with me as I try and navigate transgenderism and Mormonism. Individuals who recognize that ‘but you aren’t’ has no place in the conversation.

Individuals who are willing to replace ‘but you aren’t’ with ‘I love you.’

Personally, I find that ‘I love you’ has a lot more power to bring us all closer to Christ.

Thanks for reading,

Kyle Merkley