The Great War of Words: Thoughts on The Transgender Bathroom Debate

Lately things have been kind of difficult for me. I've had some tense situations at the school I teach at, where I was awkwardly confronted by a couple different students who had googled my name. Of course, both of these instances occurred in front of entire classes of students which created a great deal of drama--think panic attacks on my part. These instances forced me to come out to my administrator, which ended up being great but it caused even more anxiety. On top of all that, I'm so sick of being constantly bombarded by the war over bathrooms and transgender individuals. 

Seriously, hearing the constant harangue against transgender individuals hurts a lot. I'm tired of hearing that I'm merely deluded, that I'm crazy, and that I'm less than human because of feelings that I have. This pain has been taking its toll on me, which has given me a chance to really consider why I find it so hard. I've had a lot of chances lately to think about fear; because deep down inside, if I'm being honest with myself, I live in a world filled with fear. 

I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being misunderstood, afraid of being confronted for being different, afraid of not being seen as good enough. I'm afraid of being labeled crazy. I'm even afraid of not even being seen as a real person. 

At the heart of these fears is the issue of self-identification. I constantly see the idea of self-identification as being mocked, ridiculed, and derided as simply absurd. Just this morning in regards to a news story addressing the bathroom issue, I saw the mocking question, "Well what if I felt like I was cow; would you respect my right to be treated as a cow?"

Now I can't really speak to or answer any of the questions revolving around self-identification. It's a confusing question, and I get that nothing about it seems logical. In the end, all I can do is share my experience. On a deep and fundamental level I feel female. You might call this self-identification, but to me it just is. That single fact lies at the very foundation of my life. I can't run away from it, I can't hide from it, and I'm constantly reminded of it. I tried running away from it and spent years desperately trying to pray these feelings away and deny them a place in my life. I tried confronting it and spent years in therapy before I accepted the fact that these feelings were never going to change. And I've spent years trying to come to a place of acceptance and balance in my life. At this point, I haven't socially transitioned, I don't demand that particular pronouns be used, and I don't demand to be treated as a female. But that doesn't change the fact that near the very center of my identity are my feelings of being female.

Because this feeling is so fundamentally a part of me, I consider my feelings of a feminine identity nearly sacred. I mean, surely God gave me these feelings for a reason. This is a defining part of who I am. Nearly everything in my life has been shaped through the lens of gender dysphoria.

The current dialogue revolves not so much around actions but around my very sense of identity, which isn't ever going to change. This really hurts. So much of the work I have been trying to do revolves around accepting yourself. That it's ok to have gender dysphoria, that there isn't shame, that in the end you have the freedom to choose how you would like to live your life, and that there are lots of different paths that you can follow. I feel like this open moderate road I've been trying to build is being trampled on and destroyed.

Now this may feel like a harangue against conservatives, but it isn't. Progressives have their own way of discarding any middle roads. After I came out to a close, quite progressive friend, this individual asked me which pronoun I would prefer, which in general is a really empowering thoughtful question. I responded that I try not to make pronouns a big deal, but if they really wanted to know female pronouns certainly make me feel more comfortable since male pronouns are quite triggering. The response I got still shocks me. I was told that once I transitioned they would happily use female pronouns. I felt like I was being pressured to just 'accept' who I really was and transition. Only then would I earn the right to be accepted.

I find myself often feeling crushed between these two competing ideologies. On one hand I'm told to just accept reality: biology says I'm male so I can't have any kind of female identity. On the other hand, I'm told to just accept reality: my identity is who I am and I just need to transition and accept myself. I realize that in every sense that I am biologically male, and I know perfectly well that I feel female. Yet, everyone seems to think that they need to tell me exactly how to live my life. Why can't I be allowed to choose who I would like to be?

I guess the concluding point I would like to make is that there are certainly plenty of places surrounding transgender issues that we as society need to have a conversation. There are ethical questions that need to be navigated by all sides. A real conversation needs to occur. But the one thing that we aren't equipped to discuss is my individual identity, or anyone else's. The one thing we can say is that they are children of God who deserve our love and need us to help them find a middle road where they are free to make their own choices and rid themselves of self-hatred and debilitating shame. 

So in your internet journeys, when things get heated, remember those of us trying to find a middle road. We aren't trying to upend society or force you to change. We are merely trying to keep on living while avoiding getting crushed by the war of words currently engulfing our nation.