Some thoughts on the recent policy change : Church Policy and Compassionate Ministration

A lot of frustration, tears, and ink has been liberally poured over discussion of the recent policy change by the Church. The 'discussion' (if I dare call it a word so civil) on Facebook between members of the same Church (yes we are on the same side here) has often reached toxic levels. On one side raw hurt feelings led to some harsh things being said about the Church which led to some individuals immediately labeling all people who were hurt and potentially disagreed with the policy change as apostate.

Now, I'm not writing to actually discuss my opinion about the policy change. Frankly, my opinion doesn't even matter. Instead I hope to add some perspective to the conversation.

For those of you who don't have any idea why people would be upset and disagree, here are some thoughts:

• First, no one is in apostasy for merely disagreeing with policy. Policy isn't eternal principle. In fact, most of the time policy is a mortal attempt to imperfectly reflect those eternal principles. Policy is often the part of the Church that does change, while eternal principle remains the same.
• Second, as a junior high teacher I can amply attest to the fact that no one's feelings are hurt for no reason. People are hurting because of this policy, and anytime feelings are hurt there is a real reason behind the pain. As members of Christ's Church it is our solemn duty to comfort those in need of comfort, which first means attempting to understand their pain. This isn't an easy thing, but if you really ask, and really listen, perhaps the pain will begin to make sense.

As an example, I have a dear and amazing friend who is gay. He also deeply loves the Church and has a testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel. He has no idea how he is going to live his life and many tears have been shed over the conflict between the Church and his identity as gay. He is currently trying to live the gospel to the very best of his ability. The policy change really shook him up, starkly reminding him of the conflict he is trying to resolve in his life, and of his need to make a decision. His pain is very real, and I feel for his struggle.

If he does make choices that lead to his excommunication, should that change anything regarding my friendship? I certainly don't think so. If he and his partner want to come to Church and stay as close to the gospel as they can, I'm certainly going to do my best to make sure that they feel welcome and loved. Bishops and Stake Presidents can deal with policy, but policy doesn't change how I'm going to act.

I guess this would the principle I'm trying to live by: dispassionate policy needs to be balanced through loving and compassionate ministration.

I don't think policy was ever meant to be exercised without compassionate ministration. Policy might be the purview of the leadership of the Church, but compassionate ministration lies almost entirely in the hands of the average member. In short, it's our job as members to make sure everyone feels loved.

I'm not a leader of the Church, I've never really held any kind of leadership position. I'm a primary teacher and I do my best to build Zion in any little way that I can.

If you are gay and don't feel comfortable at Church the very least I can do is try and sit with you, be your friend, and make sure that you know that you are loved and have a place. It doesn't matter how you are choosing to live your life, nor should it.

If the recent policy change makes you worry about your children because you want them to be raised as close to the Church as possible, they will always have a place in my primary class. They will know that they are loved, no matter what else happens. If the youth go on a temple trip and your child can't go, the least I can do is work on gathering a group of people who can sit on the grounds of the temple with your child and make sure they feel welcome and loved.

I can't do a lot by myself, but hopefully the little things I can do will help those in need. Think of how wonderful the Church would be if we all did those little things.

I think this discussion is best summed up with my dad's very favorite primary song:

If you don't walk as most people do,

Some people walk away from you,

But I won't! I won't!

If you don't talk as most people do,

Some people talk and laugh at you,

But I won't! I won't!

I'll walk with you. I'll talk with you.

That's how I'll show my love for you.

Jesus walked away from none.

He gave his love to ev'ryone.

So I will! I will!

Jesus blessed all he could see,

Then turned and said, "Come, follow me."

And I will! I will!

I will! I will!

I'll walk with you. I'll talk with you.

That's how I'll show my love for you.

Let's all make sure that we are willing to walk with anyone.

Kyle Merkley

Doing what we can and not feeling guilty : The parable of the widow's mite

Dear readers,

I apologize for the long hiatus. I keep writing blog posts and they don’t feel quite right so I shelve them for later and later never seems to happen.

I’m currently on a fantastic road trip to see family. This last weekend we were visiting family in Arizona, and Amy and I had a ton of fun. Sadly, vacation from everything else in life doesn’t mean I get a vacation from gender dysphoria.

I was sitting in Sacrament meeting on Sunday and suddenly the dysphoria was overwhelming. My tie felt like a hundred pounds sitting around my neck. The walls felt like they were closing in. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, and the hole in my heart felt like it was three feet wide. The anxiety was completely overwhelming. It was all I could do to sit there on the pew and just try and breathe. I just sat there thinking “It’s going to be ok, just breathe, it’s going to be ok, just breathe…” over and over again until the panic started to subside.

In my ward, after sacrament meeting I go to primary, which is a huge blessing. Normally any anxiety I’ve felt earlier can recede a little and I get to be with the kids. I get to skip Priesthood, which is always super hard for me. But here, visiting family in Arizona, I went to Sunday School and then Priesthood. After the anxiety attack I’d had in Sacrament meeting I’ll admit I totally checked out of Sunday School and Priesthood. I barely paid any attention to anything that was going on. Afterwards, I felt incredibly guilty for checking out. I literally got nothing out of church that Sunday.

As I was pondering about this guilt later, the parable of the widow’s mite came to my mind.

Luke 21:1-4 (NKJV):

And He looked up and saw the rich putting their gifts into the treasury, ² and He saw also a certain poor widow putting in two mites. ³ So He said, “Truly I say to you that this poor widow has put in more than all; ⁴ for all these out of their abundance have put in offerings for God,^[a] but she out of her poverty put in all the livelihood that she had.”

I imagine that the poor widow didn’t necessarily feel proud of her offering, in fact she probably wished that she could give more. She saw all those rich individuals around her donating more money than she would ever have in her life. This didn’t stop her from making her meager offering, but I imagine that even the widow felt a little guilt over how little she could give.

How often in life do we feel guilt after literally putting everything we have into our offering for the Lord?

I went to church, I did my very best, and I’ll be honest it was excruciatingly hard just to be there. I just wanted to go home and curl up in a ball. Why did I feel guilty for trying as much as I could? Through my guilt I was denying the atonement of my Savior. He knew that I had made the best offering that I could that Sunday. As I pondered this thought, I could imagine my Savior saying “I accept your offering.”

I think this parable really helps put things in perspective. How often do those of us who are struggling see someone who has been given more make an offering of time, effort, or money to the Lord and feel guilty for the little that we can give? How often, do we look at others and judge their meager offerings thinking that surely they could do more?

Maybe the best offering that someone can make is merely being in Church that Sunday. Maybe the best offering they can make is attending just one of the three hours of meetings. Maybe the best offering that can be made is staying home and reading the scriptures. The Lord accepts their offering, no matter how small the offering, and only the Lord knows how great their offering truly was.

Through the grace of God all of our offerings are accepted. None of us ever consecrate enough to the Lord that we can return to him without our Savior. Here is my plea--that we can all stop feeling guilty when we don’t feel like we made a sufficient offering to the Lord. Let’s just give what we can, and let the atonement make it enough.

I know this is certainly something that I need to work on.

Caitlyn Jenner, Transgenderism, and the Three Terrible Words

“Inasmuch as you have done it unto the least of these my brethren you have done it unto me.” (Matt. 25:40)

Dear readers,

When you are transgender, there is nothing more painful then the three words: ‘but you aren’t.’ I’ve seen this response from far too many people to Caitlyn Jenner’s story. Now, I’m not here to write about Caitlyn Jenner. But I would like to take a moment and focus on those three words: ‘but you aren’t.’

Here’s a great example to start the conversation. There was a great story in the New York Times a while back, about a transgender individual who had decided not to transition. Instead, while designated female at birth and living in a female body, he had decided that he would rather be referred to by a male name and male pronouns. That was his primary coping mechanism for dealing with the stress and pain of gender dysphoria.

Let’s run through a hypothetical example of you, the reader, meeting this person on the street. You talk for a bit, and the individual introduces himself with a male name. You comment on how interesting that name is for a woman and he gently corrects you explaining that he is transgender and that one of the ways he copes with gender dysphoria is by asking people, who are willing, to refer to him as male. It reduces the number of times per day he is triggered by his gender dysphoria, and generally makes his life more liveable.

What is your response? Is it compassionate? A simple OK would more than suffice. Or do you respond with those three dreaded words ‘but you aren’t?’

You need to understand the power of those three words. You are literally taking someone’s identity in your hands and crushing it. You are evaluating their coping mechanisms for an extremely difficult life challenge and declaring them wrong; often without even knowing anything about the subject. This causes immense pain. It can be unbearable. It’s easy to receive this single negative response and drop into a cycle of depression and despair.

Those of us who are transgender are deeply aware that we were born into a body that doesn’t match our perceived gender. I promise we don’t need the reminder.  

Let’s move to an example a little closer to home. I’m transgender. I’ve chosen not to transition (socially or surgically), and I have a whole slew of coping mechanisms that help me function as an individual. After a lot of time and thought I’ve realized that I cannot function unless I acknowledge the fact that I’m transgender: I feel like a woman. I’m perfectly aware that I’m living in a man’s body. It’s highly likely that my gender dysphoria is merely a product of mortality and in the next life I will be perfectly happy being male. But this knowledge does not change how I feel now, nor does it solve the problems caused by gender dysphoria. All I’m trying to do is find a way to be a functional human being while living with gender dysphoria, while being a faithful member of the Church.

As I’ve discussed being transgender and feeling like a woman those three dreaded words have been spoken to me a number of times. Every time I hear ‘but you aren’t’ my dysphoria is horribly triggered, and a wave of pain hits me, which is nearly incapacitating as I am reminded that I am not who I feel like I should be. Afterwards I always wonder what they meant and what purpose this statement served.

Are they saying that I can’t feel this way? That feelings like these are impossible? Are they declaring my feelings wrong? Are they looking at my biological sex and declaring that to be my gender?

What exactly is the point of those three words?

I know that physically I’m not a woman. I’m perfectly aware of that, thank you very much. That doesn’t change the fact that I’ve spent my entire life feeling like I am inside; feeling like I should have a woman’s body. Heck, I’ve spent my whole life trying to figure out how to live with these feelings and since I am living with these feelings having them can’t be impossible.

As far as declaring the feelings wrong, we, as a Church, don’t ever declare feelings to be wrong; take a look at the Church’s position on Same-Sex Attraction. But unlike SSA, the Church really doesn’t have any specific policy on how to live with transgender feelings so we are all left to do the best we can and attempt to rely on personal revelation.

As far as biology, I’m perfectly aware that I live in a male body; is there any reason to remind me of that? I’m also perfectly aware that even if I did choose to fully transition I would never be the same as a natal female.

All ‘but you aren’t’ accomplishes is to cause a great deal of pain. It doesn’t fix anything, and it doesn’t help in any way.

Let’s be clear, the only reason an individual would ever transition is because they see no possible way to live their life without transitioning. It truly is the path of last resort. I know some people whose lives were literally saved by choosing this path. These people were perfectly aware that some people wouldn’t understand their decisions. They were perfectly aware that some people would reject and deride them, and they were perfectly aware that as members of the Church there were some consequences to their actions (side note: these individuals are all currently active and retained their membership in the Church). But it was the only way, and they really are in a better place now. They aren’t trying to deceive anyone, they aren’t trying to live a lie, they are just trying to live and transition was the only way they could see to do that.

After some thought, I can’t think of a single productive reason for saying ‘but you aren’t.’  

I’m not asking anyone to do anything they find uncomfortable. I’m never going to demand that people refer to me by a female name or female pronouns, and I’d rather not push gendered boundaries to the extent that people are uncomfortable. All I ask is that people recognize that gender dysphoria is real, and that it causes real distress and pain.

All I want are some amazing individuals who are compassionate and who are willing to walk with me as I try and navigate transgenderism and Mormonism. Individuals who recognize that ‘but you aren’t’ has no place in the conversation.

Individuals who are willing to replace ‘but you aren’t’ with ‘I love you.’

Personally, I find that ‘I love you’ has a lot more power to bring us all closer to Christ.

Thanks for reading,

Kyle Merkley

What is Transition? : The Dangers of Presenting a Binary Solution

Dear Readers,

I apologize for my overly long absence. I've been incredibly busy with the end of the semester and with a number of projects dealing with gender dysphoria, with which I have been spending far more time than I perhaps I should, hence my neglect for this blog. A reader recently presented me with a question and I decided it was far past time to write on this topic. The question I was presented with was, “Because of your writings I've realized that transition is far more varied than I initially thought, can you describe a little more about the various different kinds of transition?”

So what is transition? This single question is far more complicated than many people presume. So often stories, the media, our own perceptions, and even Church policy make this issue feel very black and white—like there are only two options: transition fully, completely, and totally or do nothing. Often within communities this idea is encouraged by the slippery slope fallacy; that idea that if a single step is taken soon enough pressure will inevitably build that the individual will need to transition completely, and in the process abandon their community and ideals completely. This creates a dangerous and pervasive divide in which transgender individuals either identify themselves as non-transitioning or transitioning, but this binary is no more correct than assuming a completely binary experience of gender here in this world.

In fact, the dangers of assuming the slippery slope fallacy can be shown just by looking at simple numbers. Our best guess is that between 1 in 300 and 1 in 500 people in the United States identify in some way as transgender, yet only between 1 in 30,000 and 1 in 50,000 apply to have genital reconstruction surgery. While the price of the surgery and the difficulty in finding treatment might actively prevent that number from being higher, it seems reasonable to say that to assume that most transgender people want or need surgery is a vast overstatement.

Going back to the initial question how can we even define transition? Is transition the process of accepting the fact that your internal gender does not match your external gender? Is transition defined by presentation or wearing the clothing and having the social cues of your internal gender? Should transition be defined legally through name changes and gender on legal document? Is transition determined medically through the application of hormone treatments? What if an individual is on hormone treatments but doesn’t choose to present as their internal gender in public? Has that individual transitioned? Are surgeries necessary for transition? If so, which surgeries are necessary?

All of these different actions can be defined as transition in some way, and within the transgender community we tend to tack on a defining word in front of transition to help clarify. Transgender individuals socially transition, legally transition, medically transition, and surgically transition and each of these types of transition have their own spectrum's. Socially one could partially socially transition and present as their internal gender in a part of their life (e.g. at work) while presenting as their biological sex at home or they could define their process of partially transitioning just by being called by the name of their internal gender which they prefer and having people use the pronouns of their internal gender. These types of social transition are drastically different but both would be referred to as a partial social transition. Medically an individual could be on a small dose of hormone therapy to help them cope with the feelings of dysphoria or an individual’s entire medical plan could be based around effecting the greatest external changes possible. Both of these actions could be defined as medically transitioning but once again a vast spectrum of possibility is introduced.

This means that for each individual the process of transitioning will be defined differently. Transition or non-transition can’t be slapped on people like a label at a store. In fact, I would argue that we need to see transition in a completely different light. I would argue that every individual with gender dysphoria goes through transition to some degree. Every individual needs to transition from some degree of pain and sorrow to a place of acceptance and happiness, and for every individual what needs to occur to reach that point of acceptance and happiness is going to be different. It is this transition which I think is the most important, because true happiness is only achieved through acceptance. Everyone needs to learn how to accept themselves, they need to accept the fact they have the agency and responsibility to make a choice for themselves, they need to recognize what choices exist and make an informed choice, and then they need to accept their choice without any shame, without any regret, and without any self-consciousness. This level of acceptance can only be found through a close cooperation with our Heavenly Father and with the self-assurance that the path we have chosen is right for ourselves.

I would love to stop trying to define ourselves through the dichotomy of transitioning and non-transitioning and instead except that the most important kind of transition occurs inside of ourselves as we learn to except ourselves, love ourselves, and become comfortable with the choices that we have made knowing that each choice is individually made in consultation with our Heavenly Father.

Kyle Merkley

On gender, definitions, and femininity

Dear reader,

Being transgender there are several questions concerning gender that I constantly find myself wrestling with. I don't feel like I'm male, but at the same time I was born into a male body and am perfectly aware that just because I feel female doesn't mean that I am female, at least physically. In the end I don't really know what I am.

This whole blog is part of an attempt to really work through the problem of 'who am I?' As I think about this problem I am confronted with an even more basic problem. This question at first glance seems to have an easy answer, but after some more thought it is actually an incredibly difficult question to answer. The question is: what does it actually mean to be a man or a woman?

The instant answer is that gender is determined by physical sex and physical sex is determined by chromosomes. But intersex individuals make any attempt to categorize a person's gender by genetics extremely complicated. In fact in cases such as true hermaphroditism where the individual's sexual identity is unable to be determined the ethical medical decision is to allow the individual to determine their desired sex, a sex which matches their preferred gender.

If we can't use genetics to firmly categorize the sex of an individual how are we supposed to determine an internal condition such as gender? We can't use external markers such as pregnancy since for many woman this is an impossibility. We can't use gender expression, clothing, presentation, behavior, desired hobbies either. These traits very so widely that the presence or absence of these traits cannot prove anything.

So what does being a woman really mean? As a Mormon I know that we do believe that there is an important distinction between the genders. But more and more I am convinced that we will find the expectations of gender in the eternities vastly different from the expectations that exist here on this earth. In the end, I don't know if gender is something that we will firmly be able to understand or define here in this life.

I think with many transgender people the following two points combine and can create unhealthy attitudes about gender.
   
     1) I think a lot of trans people struggle with how to define the gender.
     2) For many trans people merely being recognized as their perceived gender on a constant basis          is enough to bring a vast amount of relief.

This means that many trans people, in an effort to be perceived as the correct gender, grab onto the most superficial means of defining gender possible. This creates the dangerous circumstance of reducing gender merely to clothing, makeup, wigs, appearance, and trying above anything else to be beautiful.

I saw a post on reddit just this week where a transgender individual was bemoaning the fact that after transitioning they just weren't beautiful enough. If they couldn't be beautiful what was the point of transitioning in the first place? This elicited some fantastic comments from cisgender (not transgender) women who basically commented 'welcome to womanhood, most of us aren't what society thinks is ideal anyways, so you can just live with it too.'

I think this is why there is such a large conflict between the male-to-female transgender population and feminism. Feminism sees trans individuals superficially defining femininity through appearance, dress, and behavior where feminism has been fighting for the last half century to change that definition. At the same time male-to-female trans individuals often define femininity in such a way that they get the benefits of feminism while subconsciously holding onto the benefits of masculine privilege. I know that this conflict drives my dear wife crazy. She gets quite upset when she sees trans individuals apparently narrowing the scope of femininity down to appearance.

I'll admit appearance and gender expression is the easiest way in our society to define gender. I'll also admit that I would adore it if the world suddenly decided that gender expression was a lot more flexible. At the same time that doesn't mean that gender expression is actually a very important part of what gender is, nor do I think appearance plays a large role in the eternal nature of gender. In the end I merely think that in our society gender expression and appearance are the most simple ways to define gender. It's not a very satisfactory answer, it's not even a very correct answer, it is just the easiest answer. I think this is important to remember. We shouldn't ever reduce gender merely to gender expression and we should always be seeking for a better way to really define what being a woman or a man means to us.

Kyle

Trans 101

Dear Readers,

So I’ve had my blog up for a little while now and I’ve had some great conversations with some of you. But inevitably the concept of being transgender is easily misunderstood, and I completely understand because it’s not an easy topic to wrap your head around. Here are a couple of common questions that I’ve run into:

So, does that mean you’re gay?

So, you are a drag queen?

Ok, ok, you just aren’t comfortable with masculine roles. Just avoid those and everything will be fine, right?

I think these are pretty common questions, and the problem stems from not having the vocabulary or experience to easily contextualize transgender issues. Issues of gender, sex, gender identity and sexual orientation aren't things that most people have to think about on a regular basis, so it’s easy to conflate them.

I think this whole discussion would be less complicated if I remembered to start by explaining the most basic concepts, so here is my best shot at re-explaining some of the basics in as straightforward a way as possible.

There are four spectrums that people generally use to inform their perception of a person’s gender, without even thinking about it, these are: gender identity, gender expression, sex, and sexual orientation. In fact, most people don’t think of them as spectrums, but rather as binary categories.

But rest assured, they are spectrums, and most people fall somewhere in the middle on almost all of them. I've found this diagram to be helpful in understanding this concept, and though it doesn't explain everything perfectly, it seems to work for me pretty well.

Now that you’ve looked at that, let me tell you where I fit on these.

1.)  Gender Identity.  On the first spectrum, I identify on the pink side of the scale. I feel female. People wonder why that is, and why I can’t just become comfortable with my maleness, but that’s a question I can’t answer, mostly because I don’t know why myself. I’ve tried to force myself into assuming a masculine identity and it just doesn’t work very well. In fact, an individual’s first response to gender dysphoria is often to attempt to retreat into the gender identity that society thinks they should be. That’s why there are constant stories about trans people who transition out of hyper-masculine or hyper-feminine roles and careers, because they’ve spent much of their lives trying to force themselves to match their self-perceived gender identity with their physical sex. It just tends not to be compatible long-term with a healthy mental state. Don’t get me wrong; I don’t think it’s bad being a man; it’s that vague feeling that ‘man-ness’ is amiss in my case every moment of every day that starts to get to me after a while.

2.) Gender Expression. On this spectrum, I’ll admit I’d rather be more towards the feminine end. I would love more opportunities to let my gender expression match my gender identity. Plus, I find traditionally male clothing to be kind of boring. Women have a lot more opportunity to express themselves through dress, and they also have better-looking clothes. I’m envious of this. However, I also understand that it makes a lot of people deeply, deeply uncomfortable to see a man wearing obviously feminine clothes. I’d rather be compassionate towards others and considerate of their feelings than perfectly true to my natural bent here. Clothes are, after all, mostly for the benefit of others—they denote our role and position in life to those that see us. I wear clothes to suit the male role I’ve chosen to fill for the moment, though I do tend towards androgynous clothing as much as possible. I find I don’t have to change my behavioral expression much though; it’s getting more and more accepted for guys to engage in things like cooking and knitting these days, so I pursue my interests fairly freely. My wife often loves this, as I love doing things like shopping and watching rom-coms, which are things a lot of women have trouble getting their husbands to do with them.

3.) Biological Sex. My biological sex is male, as anyone who knew me in diapers can attest. Obviously there is a conflict between my gender identity and my biological sex. My physical masculine characteristics feel wrong somehow, like I woke up in someone else’s body, but every day. It’s a really hard feeling to describe to others.

4.)  Sexual Orientation. This is the one that’s confusing, because many people define ‘gay’ as being attracted to people on the same end of one of these spectrums as yourself. I’m physically and romantically attracted to girls, but while most people, based on spectrums 2 and 3 for me, would say that I was straight because of this, most psychologists and trans people would prefer to use spectrum 1 and say that I’m a lesbian with the caveat that I’m in a male body. But it’s worth noting that sexual orientation differs in trans people just like it does among the cisgender (e.g., not transgender) populace.

With that rather lengthy explanation out of the way, let’s get some tl;dr takeaways:

Most of my struggle comes from the disconnect between my perceived gender identity and my biological sex. It’s a disconnect that I’d love to overcome forever and just be happy in my skin, but for the vast majority of people with gender dysphoria, that’s the impossible dream we all dream.

Gender, sex, and sexual orientation can be kind of complicated. So try and be open and be willing to listen if anyone ever wants to try and explain how they fit into some of these categories. It might be difficult to understand, but just trying to listen and trying to understand how a person understands themselves helps a lot.

Also, I like girls. In case you were wondering. J

Thanks for reading and being there for me, awesome readers. You all are the best.

Love,

Kyle.