A correspondence with my Dad

Dear Reader,

What follows is an email from my father (and my response) regarding my experience with gender dysphoria, what triggers my dysphoria, and how we can work together to minimize these triggers. I thought some of you might find this discussion helpful.

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Kyle, 

I have been pondering this question this week and it is in two parts.  The first one may be easier.  

What are your triggers for gender dysphoria? 

The second part is a little more difficult and it actually applies to many areas where we have differences not just gender dysphoria.

Where is the line between insensitivity on the part of those of us that are ignorant of gender dysphoria and over sensivity on the part of those who struggle with it? 

It would be easy to say that ignorance is always insensitive but we don't and can't completely understand your experience so we are always in some ways ignorant. I think this question applies to race, poverty, depression and any other number of human conditions that make us different from one another.  At the same time, those differences are what make the human condition interesting!

I'm sincerely interested in your response.  If you want we can work this one back and forth if you want.

-- Love,

      Dad

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Dad,

This is a great question (particularly the second part about oversensitivity and insensitivity) and it’s also a question that I have spent a lot of time thinking about. I wish that I could say that I had THE answer that would make the world a better place, but sadly all I’ve got are some ideas that represent hours of discussion with my wife on the topic.

So where to begin? I think that it would probably be best to start with idea of triggers. So rehashing old ground, a trigger is any event, thought, action, or idea that reminds me of the disconnect between my gender (whether I feel or perceive myself as male or female) and my sex (what my body says I am). I think to most people it seems like this wouldn’t really be that big of a deal. How often are you reminded of how your sex/gender is perceived? Probably not that often. But for me, nearly everything I do is colored by this disconnect, and pretty soon it becomes overwhelming. Treating gender dysphoria revolves entirely around the idea of removing these triggers so that the brain and body aren’t reminded constantly of these jarring differences.

The problem with attempting to remove triggers is that they are everywhere. Our society, language, and interactions are built around the concept of gender. Attempting to bend or break gendered norms is strongly discouraged, especially in a male-to-female direction. Transition is an answer that attempts to co-opt our gendered system rather than fight against it, and allows for a near total removal of triggers for lucky people that can pass well. For those people unable or unwilling to transition (or who are perhaps unsure about what the consequences of transition would be) gender dysphoria is a little harder to treat. They have the unenviable task of reducing their triggers while constantly running into a gendered society that feels really uncomfortable around them—to be fair, those who transition and are unable to pass and those in the process of transitioning often run into the same set of problems.

So the only way I have to deal with gender dysphoria is to attempt to remove some triggers. In order to understand the difficulty of this task perhaps it would be helpful to make a list (as requested) of some of my many triggers, so here goes: looking in the mirror, feeling or seeing my facial hair, feeling or seeing my short haircut, body image issues in general (things like my masculine shape, and my height difference with most girls), wearing a shirt and tie at church or other formal occasions, going to priesthood, giving priesthood blessings, being called ‘he,’ being called Kyle, being a husband, thinking of being a father, men’s clothing in general (it just feels wrong), going swimming (wearing a swimsuit is a huge trigger), being in charge of stereotypically male housework, the assumption that I’ll like certain stereotypically male behaviors while being excluded from stereotypically female behaviors (i.e. the girls are going to go shopping while you guys all watch football), singing, ballroom dance (I dislike any activity with distinct gender roles), the use of gendered adjectives—handsome vs. beautiful etc. (there are a surprising number of these)… I could go on and on. In the end though what triggers me the most is when an action I have carefully considered at length and consciously chosen in order to reduce my dysphoria (an anti-trigger if you will) is ridiculed or called inappropriate.

For example, I consciously choose to play female characters in games when there is that option. The choice to play a female has been ridiculed several times (by close family members or people who I hoped would understand) and in each case it was ridiculed during a situation where I didn’t feel safe enough to explain the reasoning behind my actions. Having a carefully selected coping mechanism (which in general I select specifically for the lack of social upheaval it should cause) rejected as inappropriate or weird is perhaps the ultimate trigger. I am trying so hard to not cause any pain or confusion, yet my best efforts in balancing coping mechanisms for the dysphoria with social expectations have often resulted in social rejection and rebuke. This ridicule of my best efforts kind of hurts.

So there are a handful of triggers, I could write down more but it turns out that thinking up a list of triggers is itself a triggering experience (who would have thought?). Obviously all of these triggers can’t be removed; for example, I have chosen to be a husband, and chosen to be a priesthood holder. Some triggers are activities that I like enough that I try to ignore the discomfort they give me; for example, ballroom dance and singing (both of which are extremely gendered). Other triggers can be minimized or avoided; for example, I work fairly hard to avoid mirrors, try and wear fairly androgynous clothing, and I don’t go swimming. While running into these triggers is inevitable, I certainly don’t blame anyone who sets off one of these triggers, particularly the triggers that I have chosen as part of my life. That doesn’t really make it any easier… but I only have myself to blame.

I’d like to reframe the question about oversensitivity and insensitivity, because I think there is a better way to approach this dilemma. I think rather than discussing oversensitivity and insensitivity we need to discuss how to create a safe place for dialogue. I should feel safe enough to discuss some of my triggers with you along with potential ways to minimize those triggers, and you should feel safe enough to let me know if I am pushing boundaries that make you uncomfortable. Together we should be able to create a dialogue that allows both of us to understand and support one another while both of us feel more comfortable than we were when we started. This safe place allows you to point out when you feel I am being oversensitive and allows me to point out issues that I find particularly hard to deal with.

So here are my keys to successful dialogue: assume no harm was intended, forgive, listen, clearly state your own needs, find compromise, and be prepared to start the process over. Nothing too special, but these keys literally define my wife's and my relationship, and are the secret to our success so far. Creating this safe space for dialogue is a lot of work, but when you ask how you can support me this is what I want—a safe place where we BOTH can come together to discuss our own concerns and problems on a regular basis, where BOTH our needs can both be understood and met, and where we can have sincere regular dialogue on how to balance coping with triggers with the need to fit into a gendered world. I capitalize BOTH here, because it’s really helpful for me to understand how I’m perceived by others. I really want to know what you think too. That would be one of the most supportive things you could do for me.

So there’s my food for thought for the day. I love you and hope that you are doing well,

Kyle

Feeling Alone

Dear reader,

As I sat in church today I was filled with an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. Here I was sitting among people who have covenanted that they would help bear my burdens and mourn with me as I mourn, and yet not a single one of them knows what I am going through. Every time I walk into church I smile as I greet them. I tell them that my life is great, and I fulfill every expectation they have for me. I’m sure some of these same people think that I have a nearly ideal life.

As I sat there in sacrament meeting feeling alone I wondered why I couldn’t share my challenges with them. I wondered why I felt like I couldn’t be authentic around them. In the end it comes down to fear: fear of being rejected or ostracized after actually opening up, and a fear of being rejected so quickly that no one ever has a chance to really understand. Those two fears—fear of being rejected and fear of being misunderstood—keep me living in a constant state of loneliness.

Now I’ll admit I’ve never been the best at inserting myself into groups. I’m quiet and introverted. I find large groups of people overwhelming. I’d much rather spend time getting to closely know 2-3 people, than go to a party with 10 or 20. I have a few very close friends. I’m a homebody. My perfect weekend involves a good book and someone to discuss it with. All of these characteristics make combating loneliness more difficult. On top of this, I regularly interact with a small group of family and friends. Since I don’t have many friends the thought of being rejected or misunderstood by one of the few people I really trust is completely terrifying. So instead I don’t even try to be authentic, I just feel lonely.

I don’t know if there is any feeling more insidious than loneliness. Loneliness encourages isolation and isolation encourages more loneliness. It’s a brutal cycle.

Now everyone at some point in their lives has probably felt completely alone. That moment, even if it lasts just a brief moment, is completely terrifying. That’s why we surround ourselves with people with similar interests, views, and hobbies. We have a desperate need to want to fit in, to have a place where we belong. Everyone wants a group where they feel safe enough to be themselves while being similar enough to feel like they belong.

I’ve been trying to find a place where I really fit in and belong for several years now, and I’m definitely in a better place than I used to be, but I still have a long way to go. Several years ago, I felt like I was in an impossible situation; that being Mormon and experiencing gender dysphoria were entirely incompatible. These feelings were reinforced by scores of stories I found online where people with gender dysphoria left the church after being thoroughly rejected. I even ran into several threads on the forums at lds.net where the general consensus seemed to be that if anyone acknowledged their gender dysphoria they might as well leave the church. The only answer was to pray and find the strength to reject the feelings entirely. After reading these stories I realized that I wouldn’t be able to just find a community / space where I could be authentic and feel understood, I would have to make that community on my own.

For a while, I hoped that I could create this community by coming out to those closest to me. But the process of understanding gender dysphoria is a daunting task. It took my wonderful wife hundreds and hundreds of hours discussing gender dysphoria to come to a point where she really understands what I deal with every day. Gender issues are awkward and painful to discuss and most people don’t discuss close personal issues on a regular basis, even with family and close friends, let alone discuss complicated issues that could take scores of hours to work through. I’ve made slow progress with family and friends but I have a long way to go and I still feel very alone.

Then I hoped this community could be built of like-minded transgender Mormons. But I rapidly realized that every person has a unique experience with gender dysphoria. Everyone has a different answer to these issues and some people feel very strongly about the correctness of their answer, as much as others might disagree. I have a hard time relating to or understanding some of these different answers. Plus, in the process of trying to find this community, I often met people who needed far more help than I did and often left events or group therapy sessions feeling more emotionally exhausted and mentally drained than when I had arrived. I, hopefully, was helping others but felt nearly as alone as when I started.

After investing all this time and effort I still spend too much time feeling terribly lonely. Perhaps this is why I love the concept of Zion so much. Zion is a place where each of us is safe, each of us is free to be authentic, and each of us it perfectly willing to bear our burdens of others without question or reservation.

I think we can only bear others’ burdens if we have the strength to share our own. I pray for the strength to be open enough that others can help bear my burdens, and hope that by sharing some of my burdens others are more willing to share theirs.

So here’s to building Zion one burden at a time, while hopefully feeling a little less alone.

Kyle

An introduction

Dear reader,

Welcome to my blog. As part of my New Year's resolutions I have determined that perhaps it is time for me to write a little more about my experience as a transgender Mormon. I hope that writing this blog helps me process my own experiences better and I hope that this blog inspires thoughts and conversations among you, the readers. I hope to write about one post a week and will happily accept any requests or questions for posts as well as promptly (hopefully) responding to any comments. I've created several pages (listed up top) that will hopefully introduce you to myself, introduce some of my thoughts, and begin the conversation about gender dysphoria. I hope you enjoy reading and welcome any feedback or comments.

Thanks again,

Kyle