Feeling Alone

Dear reader,

As I sat in church today I was filled with an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. Here I was sitting among people who have covenanted that they would help bear my burdens and mourn with me as I mourn, and yet not a single one of them knows what I am going through. Every time I walk into church I smile as I greet them. I tell them that my life is great, and I fulfill every expectation they have for me. I’m sure some of these same people think that I have a nearly ideal life.

As I sat there in sacrament meeting feeling alone I wondered why I couldn’t share my challenges with them. I wondered why I felt like I couldn’t be authentic around them. In the end it comes down to fear: fear of being rejected or ostracized after actually opening up, and a fear of being rejected so quickly that no one ever has a chance to really understand. Those two fears—fear of being rejected and fear of being misunderstood—keep me living in a constant state of loneliness.

Now I’ll admit I’ve never been the best at inserting myself into groups. I’m quiet and introverted. I find large groups of people overwhelming. I’d much rather spend time getting to closely know 2-3 people, than go to a party with 10 or 20. I have a few very close friends. I’m a homebody. My perfect weekend involves a good book and someone to discuss it with. All of these characteristics make combating loneliness more difficult. On top of this, I regularly interact with a small group of family and friends. Since I don’t have many friends the thought of being rejected or misunderstood by one of the few people I really trust is completely terrifying. So instead I don’t even try to be authentic, I just feel lonely.

I don’t know if there is any feeling more insidious than loneliness. Loneliness encourages isolation and isolation encourages more loneliness. It’s a brutal cycle.

Now everyone at some point in their lives has probably felt completely alone. That moment, even if it lasts just a brief moment, is completely terrifying. That’s why we surround ourselves with people with similar interests, views, and hobbies. We have a desperate need to want to fit in, to have a place where we belong. Everyone wants a group where they feel safe enough to be themselves while being similar enough to feel like they belong.

I’ve been trying to find a place where I really fit in and belong for several years now, and I’m definitely in a better place than I used to be, but I still have a long way to go. Several years ago, I felt like I was in an impossible situation; that being Mormon and experiencing gender dysphoria were entirely incompatible. These feelings were reinforced by scores of stories I found online where people with gender dysphoria left the church after being thoroughly rejected. I even ran into several threads on the forums at lds.net where the general consensus seemed to be that if anyone acknowledged their gender dysphoria they might as well leave the church. The only answer was to pray and find the strength to reject the feelings entirely. After reading these stories I realized that I wouldn’t be able to just find a community / space where I could be authentic and feel understood, I would have to make that community on my own.

For a while, I hoped that I could create this community by coming out to those closest to me. But the process of understanding gender dysphoria is a daunting task. It took my wonderful wife hundreds and hundreds of hours discussing gender dysphoria to come to a point where she really understands what I deal with every day. Gender issues are awkward and painful to discuss and most people don’t discuss close personal issues on a regular basis, even with family and close friends, let alone discuss complicated issues that could take scores of hours to work through. I’ve made slow progress with family and friends but I have a long way to go and I still feel very alone.

Then I hoped this community could be built of like-minded transgender Mormons. But I rapidly realized that every person has a unique experience with gender dysphoria. Everyone has a different answer to these issues and some people feel very strongly about the correctness of their answer, as much as others might disagree. I have a hard time relating to or understanding some of these different answers. Plus, in the process of trying to find this community, I often met people who needed far more help than I did and often left events or group therapy sessions feeling more emotionally exhausted and mentally drained than when I had arrived. I, hopefully, was helping others but felt nearly as alone as when I started.

After investing all this time and effort I still spend too much time feeling terribly lonely. Perhaps this is why I love the concept of Zion so much. Zion is a place where each of us is safe, each of us is free to be authentic, and each of us it perfectly willing to bear our burdens of others without question or reservation.

I think we can only bear others’ burdens if we have the strength to share our own. I pray for the strength to be open enough that others can help bear my burdens, and hope that by sharing some of my burdens others are more willing to share theirs.

So here’s to building Zion one burden at a time, while hopefully feeling a little less alone.

Kyle