Dear Reader,
What follows is an email from my father (and my response) regarding my experience with gender dysphoria, what triggers my dysphoria, and how we can work together to minimize these triggers. I thought some of you might find this discussion helpful.
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Kyle,
I have been pondering this question this week and it is in two parts. The first one may be easier.
What are your triggers for gender dysphoria?
The second part is a little more difficult and it actually applies to many areas where we have differences not just gender dysphoria.
Where is the line between insensitivity on the part of those of us that are ignorant of gender dysphoria and over sensivity on the part of those who struggle with it?
Dad
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Dad,
This is a great question (particularly the second part about oversensitivity and insensitivity) and it’s also a question that I have spent a lot of time thinking about. I wish that I could say that I had THE answer that would make the world a better place, but sadly all I’ve got are some ideas that represent hours of discussion with my wife on the topic.
So where to begin? I think that it would probably be best to start with idea of triggers. So rehashing old ground, a trigger is any event, thought, action, or idea that reminds me of the disconnect between my gender (whether I feel or perceive myself as male or female) and my sex (what my body says I am). I think to most people it seems like this wouldn’t really be that big of a deal. How often are you reminded of how your sex/gender is perceived? Probably not that often. But for me, nearly everything I do is colored by this disconnect, and pretty soon it becomes overwhelming. Treating gender dysphoria revolves entirely around the idea of removing these triggers so that the brain and body aren’t reminded constantly of these jarring differences.
The problem with attempting to remove triggers is that they are everywhere. Our society, language, and interactions are built around the concept of gender. Attempting to bend or break gendered norms is strongly discouraged, especially in a male-to-female direction. Transition is an answer that attempts to co-opt our gendered system rather than fight against it, and allows for a near total removal of triggers for lucky people that can pass well. For those people unable or unwilling to transition (or who are perhaps unsure about what the consequences of transition would be) gender dysphoria is a little harder to treat. They have the unenviable task of reducing their triggers while constantly running into a gendered society that feels really uncomfortable around them—to be fair, those who transition and are unable to pass and those in the process of transitioning often run into the same set of problems.
So the only way I have to deal with gender dysphoria is to attempt to remove some triggers. In order to understand the difficulty of this task perhaps it would be helpful to make a list (as requested) of some of my many triggers, so here goes: looking in the mirror, feeling or seeing my facial hair, feeling or seeing my short haircut, body image issues in general (things like my masculine shape, and my height difference with most girls), wearing a shirt and tie at church or other formal occasions, going to priesthood, giving priesthood blessings, being called ‘he,’ being called Kyle, being a husband, thinking of being a father, men’s clothing in general (it just feels wrong), going swimming (wearing a swimsuit is a huge trigger), being in charge of stereotypically male housework, the assumption that I’ll like certain stereotypically male behaviors while being excluded from stereotypically female behaviors (i.e. the girls are going to go shopping while you guys all watch football), singing, ballroom dance (I dislike any activity with distinct gender roles), the use of gendered adjectives—handsome vs. beautiful etc. (there are a surprising number of these)… I could go on and on. In the end though what triggers me the most is when an action I have carefully considered at length and consciously chosen in order to reduce my dysphoria (an anti-trigger if you will) is ridiculed or called inappropriate.
For example, I consciously choose to play female characters in games when there is that option. The choice to play a female has been ridiculed several times (by close family members or people who I hoped would understand) and in each case it was ridiculed during a situation where I didn’t feel safe enough to explain the reasoning behind my actions. Having a carefully selected coping mechanism (which in general I select specifically for the lack of social upheaval it should cause) rejected as inappropriate or weird is perhaps the ultimate trigger. I am trying so hard to not cause any pain or confusion, yet my best efforts in balancing coping mechanisms for the dysphoria with social expectations have often resulted in social rejection and rebuke. This ridicule of my best efforts kind of hurts.
So there are a handful of triggers, I could write down more but it turns out that thinking up a list of triggers is itself a triggering experience (who would have thought?). Obviously all of these triggers can’t be removed; for example, I have chosen to be a husband, and chosen to be a priesthood holder. Some triggers are activities that I like enough that I try to ignore the discomfort they give me; for example, ballroom dance and singing (both of which are extremely gendered). Other triggers can be minimized or avoided; for example, I work fairly hard to avoid mirrors, try and wear fairly androgynous clothing, and I don’t go swimming. While running into these triggers is inevitable, I certainly don’t blame anyone who sets off one of these triggers, particularly the triggers that I have chosen as part of my life. That doesn’t really make it any easier… but I only have myself to blame.
I’d like to reframe the question about oversensitivity and insensitivity, because I think there is a better way to approach this dilemma. I think rather than discussing oversensitivity and insensitivity we need to discuss how to create a safe place for dialogue. I should feel safe enough to discuss some of my triggers with you along with potential ways to minimize those triggers, and you should feel safe enough to let me know if I am pushing boundaries that make you uncomfortable. Together we should be able to create a dialogue that allows both of us to understand and support one another while both of us feel more comfortable than we were when we started. This safe place allows you to point out when you feel I am being oversensitive and allows me to point out issues that I find particularly hard to deal with.
So here are my keys to successful dialogue: assume no harm was intended, forgive, listen, clearly state your own needs, find compromise, and be prepared to start the process over. Nothing too special, but these keys literally define my wife's and my relationship, and are the secret to our success so far. Creating this safe space for dialogue is a lot of work, but when you ask how you can support me this is what I want—a safe place where we BOTH can come together to discuss our own concerns and problems on a regular basis, where BOTH our needs can both be understood and met, and where we can have sincere regular dialogue on how to balance coping with triggers with the need to fit into a gendered world. I capitalize BOTH here, because it’s really helpful for me to understand how I’m perceived by others. I really want to know what you think too. That would be one of the most supportive things you could do for me.
So there’s my food for thought for the day. I love you and hope that you are doing well,
Kyle
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