Depression

Dear readers,

I apologize for not posting this in a timely manner. I've been rather under the weather with a cold this past week, and I've been pretty depressed. So everything fell a little behind. Since I've been depressed lately I decided it might be an apt topic to discuss in this post.

Many times when I am depressed I try and take a moment to wonder why I'm feeling so down. In many ways I have a nearly ideal life. My wife and I have jobs, we have decent financial security, I am in graduate school studying the topics I love very most in this life, I have a group of loving and supportive family and friends, and despite being transgender I have a lot of freedom in how I choose to live. While these are the facts of my life, they are dreams that other people only wish they had. The fact that I have this wonderful life makes depression so much more frustrating. I have a fairly good life but often when I am depressed I feel worthless, I hate myself, and I have no desire to keep on living. My depression and self-hatred doesn't correspond in any way to the life I am actually living.

The past month or so my depression has gotten pretty bad. I've dealt with some bad bouts of depression in the past, and I've dealt with my share of suicidal thoughts and feelings. So, I know everything that I should be doing to help combat depression. I have a whole list of therapeutic techniques. So in general when it gets pretty bad I just try and shoulder through things. But recently I had a wake up call when my dear wife broke down crying one night (it was a particularly rough night for me) and told me that one of things she worried most about was that someday when I was really depressed I would attempt to commit suicide when she wasn't around to stop me.

After that I decided that I needed to actively confront my depression rather then just trying to cope with it. BYU has a free counseling service, a major bonus as a student, so I decided that I needed to get a counselor and figure out what else I could do to actively confront my depression. Now, the last thing I wanted to do was go down the gender dysphoria rabbit hole with yet another therapist, particularly one who didn't specialize in transgender issues (I've traveled that road enough times for now). So I decided that I would make sure the conversation stayed focused on depression and specific things that I could do to lessen my depression. After spending some time talking with the therapist and after spending quite a bit of time thinking about it, I came up with a couple things to remember when I am depressed.

1. Depression is something that needs to be actively fought. Every activity or coping mechanism for dealing with depression requires action.
2. Keep moving forward. Even the smallest actions can have a positive impact. Sometimes all it takes to feel a little better is knowing that you are trying.
3. Try and keep things in perspective. My dad shared with me some of the trials and problems he is helping people with currently on his mission and he concluded by saying, “There is no easy solution to your problems either, but maybe you can take some comfort that at least it is not your own bad choices that lead you to your problems!” Hearing that helped a lot. Sometimes we need to put things in perspective and worry about the things that we can control, not the things we wish were different.
4. Sometimes it's not something you can deal with on your own. There is no shame in getting help from others. After meeting with the therapist he recommended I talk to a psychiatrist and inquire about getting put on anti-depressants. I met with the psychiatrist this week and just started some anti-depressants; hopefully they will help.
5. All you can do is do your best. I think the parable of the widow's mite applies really well to depression and mental illness in general. Sometimes we judge people by how much they accomplish. We think that successful people accomplish certain things and accomplishing less is a sign of failure. I think that God looks at how much was sacrificed to accomplish the task. I think God sees more value in the depressed person who had to drag themselves out of bed in the morning and was a little late to work than perhaps in a full days work from others.

This list certainly doesn't magically make me feel better, but I do think it frames my struggle with depression in terms that I can understand and that I can try and control.

The last thing that I always try and do is to stay close to my Savior. My hope in the atonement of Christ gives me strength to continue, and trying to serve others allows me to move past my own trials and struggles and focus on others. My problems become less important when I am involved with the problems of others.

Hopefully some of these ideas can help someone out there, I know they have been helping me lately. I'll leave you with one final piece of advice, to quote Finding Nemo to “just keep swimming.”

Kyle

A Valentine's Day tribute to my Dear Wife, Family, and Friends

In the spirit of Valentine's Day I thought I would dedicate a post to the wonderful people in my life who make my life a better place.

So dear readers, first I want to thank my amazing wife. Several of you have commented that you think I am brave. I think that it is my wife who has been truly brave. She is my hero. All she ever wanted was to have her white picket fence and be a part of a perfect normal stereotypical LDS family: normal gender roles, normal expectations, knowing where her life was going, what her place was, and exactly how her future should look.

When we first actively started confronting my gender dysphoria that whole world fell apart. She felt lost, confused, didn't know her place, and could no longer see what the future might hold. Yet, she chose to stay with me. I don't have a choice whether or not gender dysphoria was a part of my life. She did, and she chose to stay with me no matter how much pain or anguish this challenge might cause the both of us.

We've spent several years trying to work through the relationship difficulties caused by gender dysphoria and while she is in a much better place than she used to be, I know that it is still very hard on her. She still doesn't have all the answers, she still doesn't have the security she would like in knowing the future, and we both on occasion still struggle. But I know that no matter what happens she will always be there for me. That dear readers is the greatest miracle and blessing of my life. I don't know where I would be without her. I would be so lost and feel so much more alone. Her choice to help me deal with this been one of the most self-sacrificing, loving, and Christlike actions that I have ever experienced. Every day I try to live up to her example and help her in anyway that I can.

I also wanted to thank those of you who have commented on my blog or called me on the telephone. I know that many of you don't know what to say. No worries, I've been dealing with this for years and I'm still not great about talking about my experiences and my life. I just want each of you to know that every comment, every text, and every phone call means the world to me. Any time I am having a hard day I pull up your texts and your comments and read through each and every one. I am always overwhelmed by the love and comfort that each of these messages gives me. Just a few years ago I never would have imagined being willing to share my burdens with my family and friends, but now I can't imagine not having that support. Your love and support means the world to me. Thank you all so much.

I'm sure that many, if not most of you, saw this picture going around Facebook this week. But I just wanted to share it once again. Let us never forget the love and hope that can be found in a testimony of Jesus Christ.

I hope that you all had a great Valentine's Day.

Kyle

On Revelation, Conflict, and the Eternities

Dear reader,

As I was talking to my mom (Love you mom! You are amazing!) earlier this week, the conversation veered towards a discussion of my gender dysphoria. My mother told me that she would always love and support me no matter what choices I made, but if I ever chose to transition it would be hard on her. She shared with me a revelation she received, that is very dear to her. When she was pregnant with me she received revelation that I was going to be a boy. She shared how she worried, if I ever chose to transition, that she would begin to doubt in her ability to receive and understand revelation.

This story really got me thinking. As I hear other transgender Mormons share their stories, very often I hear stories where seemingly contradictory revelation is received. I've thought a lot about these revelations and these contradictions this week and I just wanted to spend some time and share some of my thoughts with all of you.

Recently, I was introduced to a concept that I think is very valuable; that is, the difference between proximate answers and universal answers. Proximate answers are for the here and now; and often, these answers only apply to each of us individually. They don't necessarily apply to the lives of others. Now, I think that the majority of answers that we receive from our Heavenly Father are proximate. We are fallen imperfect beings and very often we aren't ready for eternal answers.

I think this concept applies very well to my mother's potential dilemma. Even if I choose to transition, it's quite possible that the transition would be a mortal affair and that in the eternities I really will be male. It's also possible that I was supposed to be given this trial and was supposed to raised as male, and that my spirit will be female in the eternities. When we are willing to recognize that sometimes God gives us temporal—and even temporary—answers, that God doesn't just communicate in universal eternal truths, then it is much easier to see how and why these contradictory revelations might be occurring.

But what are we to do if we don't receive any revelation? Does this mean that others revelation should stand in place of our own? I find myself in this situation since I haven't received much revelation concerning my gender dysphoria. I have spent hours and hours on my knees pleading with my Heavenly Father to help me. I've prayed for everything: at different times in my life I have prayed for my Heavenly Father to just take this challenge away, I've prayed that a miracle would occur and I would just be a girl and stop having so much anguish in my life, I've prayed for answers to why I have gender dysphoria, I've prayed for solutions, for direction, even for the smallest amount of guidance. I haven't received very many answers: my Heavenly Father loves me, I'm supposed to stay with my dear wife, and I've gotten the distinct feeling that my Heavenly Father hasn't given me an answer because he trusts that I'll make the decision that is right for me—I've been given agency and I'm supposed to use it. I'm so used to being given answers, provided guidelines, and pointed in the right direction, that it's vaguely terrifying to be confronted with a choice that entirely relies upon my agency. Others revelation can help guide me and can be valuable in input, but in the end any choice is mine to make.

When trying to figure out any answers there is one more question that has bothered me more than any other. I've spent hours praying about this particular question; if gender is eternal, what gender is my spirit? This question is a hard question to ask. It has the potential to cause a lot of heartache and agony, especially for my dear wife. But at the same time having an answer would perhaps make me feel better about any choices that I make in the future. Now I know many people dealing with gender dysphoria who feel like they have received revelation regarding the eternal gender of their spirit. Some have strongly felt like their spirit does not match the body they were placed into. If this should be the case for me as well, what would that mean for my marriage with my wife? We were sealed together for what was supposed to be forever, but if my eternal gender is female can that sealing last? What will happen to us? We have decided after a lot of discussion and prayer that the easiest way to deal with any potential heartache and doubt is to not concern ourselves with this question. We just need to have faith that everything will work out and that in the end Jesus wins. That phrase, Jesus wins, has become somewhat of a motto for our lives.

I think in the end that is the easiest answer. Even if we don't have all the answers, haven't received revelation, or feel like sometimes revelations contradict, by allowing our Savior to heal us and by trying to follow him, in the end, we can win as well.

Kyle

Gender Dysphoria, The Church, and Questions of Morality

Dear readers,

As I worked through some of my feelings and thoughts I rapidly realized that one of the things that bothered me was the lack of direction from the Church concerning how to deal with gender dysphoria. I really wanted clearly defined lines; a box that clearly delineated what was right and wrong. I was used to the Church defining where I should draw moral lines, and I didn't want to deal with the responsibility of making and living with any decisions on my own.

In fact, after I finally admitted to myself that I did in fact have gender dysphoria, the first place I turned to for direction was the Church. However, I found that the Church has very little policy or advice on how to deal with this issue. The Church Handbook of Instruction only contains a couple brief sentences of policy detailing how leaders should handle transgender individuals. In fact, these statements are so brief that I will provide them here:

Church leaders counsel against elective transsexual operations. If a member is contemplating such an operation, a presiding officer informs him of this counsel and advises him that the operation may be cause for formal Church discipline.

A person who is considering an elective transsexual operation may not be baptized or confirmed. Baptism and confirmation of a person who has already undergone an elective transsexual operation require the approval of the First Presidency.

Members who have undergone an elective transsexual operation may not receive the priesthood.

A member who has undergone an elective transsexual operation may not receive a temple recommend.

As you can see from these statements, the Church's policy is almost entirely concerned with 'elective transsexual operation.' The general consensus drawn from this statement is that the church draws a line at genital reassignment surgery (GRS). Now, the majority of transgender individuals never have GRS—even if they have transitioned in every other respect. The surgery is invasive, fairly high risk, and extraordinarily expensive. This leaves a grand total of zero policies directed towards individuals trying to deal with gender dysphoria in ways short of GRS.

After searching through Church policy, I thought that perhaps I could find some answers in Church doctrine. I started looking through the scriptures for any advice that might apply to my situation. After quite a bit of looking, I found a grand total of nothing. Now, there are two scriptures which are used to create a prohibition against cross dressing (a tangentially related concern). Yet neither of these scriptures stand up to close exegetical examination; they're not actually talking about transgender issues at all.

So without official Church policy and without any scriptural support I searched non-canonical sources. The most famous of these would be The Family: A Proclamation to the World which simply states: "Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.” Gender is eternal.

Now, I have discussed this quotation ad nauseam with various individuals and heard a great number of different interpretations. For example, many transgender Mormons use this statement to affirm their identity. If gender is eternal and they feel this way in this fallen world, their gender must actually be how they feel, and their body is subject to some biological error that makes it the wrong sex. On the other hand, family members and priesthood leaders tend to argue the opposite point: that gender is eternal, gender is based upon your physical sex in this life, and that you are fighting against God's plan for you. These arguments typically devolve into claims of revelation, with each side arguing that they have received personal revelation on the matter. Quite simply arguing over exactly how to interpret gender and the Proclamation to the World becomes a matter of personal interpretation and revelation.

I entered this search assuming that I would find a clear position from the Church on transgender issues. But as I searched I realized that the church didn't really have a position. This lack of church position forces local church leaders to use their own judgement. As I've discussed this with various other transgender Mormons, I am amazed by the number of different opinions and lines that different local leaders draw. I worry that very often these different opinions and lines are based upon societal, political, and cultural standards and perceptions of gender rather than revelation.

The lack of official church position was emphasized this week when Elder Oaks was asked point blank about transgender issues in a press conference. His response was that “being acquainted with the unique problems of a transgender situation is something we have not had experience with, and we have some unfinished business in teaching on that.” Here was an apostle of the Lord acknowledging the fact that the church still had quite a bit of work left to do in understanding and writing policy.

Without being given a box by the church what factors should determine my actions? This question was partially answered by my therapist. We were discussing my need for a box that defined where I was supposed to act. He told me that if I am sincerely seeking answers from the Lord where direction has not been revealed, by definition, I cannot sin. These decisions made in ignorance are merely transgressions and the Lord won't hold me accountable for trying to do my best.

However, I do realize that acting outside of normal gendered behavior makes people very uncomfortable. I constantly ask myself: what right do I as an individual have to impose this discomfort on others; particularly when I have the potential to cause actual emotional and mental harm to those around me? As an answer to this question I find a great scriptural response. Paul, when asked whether or not it was permissible to eat meat sacrificed to pagan gods, taught that while there was no sin in eating the meat perhaps it would be better not to partake and avoid offending others.

Now I'll freely admit that my personal philosophy is very community-oriented; I'm certainly no Ayn Rand. If asked the question: what comes first, the needs of the self or the needs of the community? I would always answer community.

For me community starts with those closest to me. It starts with my dear wife, my immediate family, extended family, and friends. Community extends outward to include people in my ward, at school, and at work. I wonder for each group where moral lines should be drawn. At what point am I—like the people eating meat sacrificed to idols—hurting others? For each group of people there is a different line that needs to be drawn. I constantly wonder where to draw these lines. I tend to err on the side of caution: I'd much rather suffer myself than force suffering on others.

I would be curious where you, the readers, feel the line between the needs of the individual and the needs of the community should be drawn.

Any thought or suggestions are welcome,

Kyle