Dear reader,
As I was talking to my mom (Love you
mom! You are amazing!) earlier this week, the conversation veered
towards a discussion of my gender dysphoria. My mother told me that
she would always love and support me no matter what choices I made,
but if I ever chose to transition it would be hard on her. She shared
with me a revelation she received, that is very dear to her. When she
was pregnant with me she received revelation that I was going to be a
boy. She shared how she worried, if I ever chose to transition, that
she would begin to doubt in her ability to receive and understand
revelation.
This story really got me thinking. As I hear other transgender Mormons share their stories, very
often I hear stories where seemingly contradictory revelation is
received. I've thought a lot about these revelations and these
contradictions this week and I just wanted to spend some time and
share some of my thoughts with all of you.
Recently, I was introduced to a concept
that I think is very valuable; that is, the difference between
proximate answers and universal answers. Proximate answers are for
the here and now; and often, these answers only apply to each of us
individually. They don't necessarily apply to the lives of others.
Now, I think that the majority of answers that we receive from our
Heavenly Father are proximate. We are fallen imperfect beings and
very often we aren't ready for eternal answers.
I think this concept applies very well
to my mother's potential dilemma. Even if I choose to transition,
it's quite possible that the transition would be a mortal affair and
that in the eternities I really will be male. It's also possible that
I was supposed to be given this trial and was supposed to raised as
male, and that my spirit will be female in the eternities. When we
are willing to recognize that sometimes God gives us temporal—and
even temporary—answers, that God doesn't just communicate in
universal eternal truths, then it is much easier to see how and why
these contradictory revelations might be occurring.
But what are we to do if we don't
receive any revelation? Does this mean that others revelation should
stand in place of our own? I find myself in this situation since I
haven't received much revelation concerning my gender dysphoria. I
have spent hours and hours on my knees pleading with my Heavenly
Father to help me. I've prayed for everything: at different times in
my life I have prayed for my Heavenly Father to just take this
challenge away, I've prayed that a miracle would occur and I would
just be a girl and stop having so much anguish in my life, I've
prayed for answers to why I have gender dysphoria, I've prayed for
solutions, for direction, even for the smallest amount of guidance.
I haven't received very many answers: my Heavenly Father loves me,
I'm supposed to stay with my dear wife, and I've gotten the distinct
feeling that my Heavenly Father hasn't given me an answer because he
trusts that I'll make the decision that is right for me—I've been
given agency and I'm supposed to use it. I'm so used to being given
answers, provided guidelines, and pointed in the right direction,
that it's vaguely terrifying to be confronted with a choice that
entirely relies upon my agency. Others revelation can help guide me
and can be valuable in input, but in the end any choice is mine to
make.
When trying to figure out any answers
there is one more question that has bothered me more than any other.
I've spent hours praying about this particular question; if gender is
eternal, what gender is my spirit? This question is a hard question
to ask. It has the potential to cause a lot of heartache and agony,
especially for my dear wife. But at the same time having an answer
would perhaps make me feel better about any choices that I make in
the future. Now I know many people dealing with gender dysphoria who
feel like they have received revelation regarding the eternal gender
of their spirit. Some have strongly felt like their spirit does not
match the body they were placed into. If this should be the case for
me as well, what would that mean for my marriage with my wife? We
were sealed together for what was supposed to be forever, but if my
eternal gender is female can that sealing last? What will happen to
us? We have decided after a lot of discussion and prayer that the
easiest way to deal with any potential heartache and doubt is to not
concern ourselves with this question. We just need to have faith that
everything will work out and that in the end Jesus wins. That phrase,
Jesus wins, has become somewhat of a motto for our lives.
I think in the end that is the easiest
answer. Even if we don't have all the answers, haven't received
revelation, or feel like sometimes revelations contradict, by
allowing our Savior to heal us and by trying to follow him, in the
end, we can win as well.
Kyle
Thanks for this, Kyle.
ReplyDeleteI've been struggling to reconcile my patriarchal blessing with my own dysphoria, and it's been one of my last big hurdles to feeling okay with the way I would like to live my life. I feel patriarchal blessings fall into the realm of proximate revelations, but mine is so much at odds with what I feel is right for me. I was always secretly hoping my stake patriarch would see past what I looked like and reveal to the world who I really was (with a flourish!), but no such luck.
Ultimately, I like your answer best. I just hope when Jesus wins, I'm still on His team.
Thanks again.
Samantha Mars
Dear Kyle,
ReplyDeleteWhat a heartfelt post. I've struggled for the words to say, and my heart aches at the turmoil you've experienced. You and your wife are in my prayers, and I support and love you both. I really appreciate your posts, as it opens my eyes to what transgender even means, and hopefully I will somehow be able to help bear your burden and mourn with you.
I’ve always looked up to you as my older cousin. I remember one day when you saved me from Ria by whisking her out of the house with a pillow. (I’m still grateful I wasn’t clawed to death!) I look up to you now with admiration for how diligently you’ve searched for the answers that don’t seem to exist. How frustrating and overwhelming this must be!
Your point about agency is so true. Choosing what college to attend was a tough decision for me. It seems silly now, and not at all comparable to the decisions you are facing, but the principle of agency still stands. I received a Father’s Blessing as I weighed the college decision, determined I would receive an answer. Yet, my answer was to “study it out in my mind.” I was upset, just wanting an answer and not wanting the consequences of choosing myself. I discussed this with Meagan later, and she told me Heavenly Father had given me agency and trusted me that I would make the best decision for myself. At times this is terrifying, but it’s also comforting to know that the Lord trusts us. The Lord loves you.
Love,
Arianne
I really like that distinction between proximate and universal revelation. I've never thought of it that way, but I'm glad you've pointed it out because it helps me cope with some of the revelation I've felt I've received in my life that has led me to places I never thought God would send me. So thank you for that insight.
ReplyDeleteAs far as not receiving strong revelation aside from 'you can make the choice yourself', I can absolutely relate to that in very many ways. I think the majority of the major decisions we make in life, the answers are, do your research, determine the consequences if you can, study it out, and make a choice that logically makes sense, gives you peace, and that you will be able to live with, and then remember to be happy with your choice. I think too often growing up LDS, we rely too heavily on 'what God wants us to do' and not enough on 'what makes logical sense'. When I think in most instances, those are one in the same. God wants us to figure it out and go for it. Not that I'm discrediting personal revelation. Its absolutely a tool for us. But it's one of the MANY tools we have to make choices that will be pleasing to us and the Lord.
Unfortunately because of your specific trial, I can understand how a lack of revelation would be extremely frustrating. I cannot imagine. You're so strong Kyle! And so is your wife! Seriously every entry I read makes me admire you that much more. Love you!
Brianne