Depression

Dear readers,

I apologize for not posting this in a timely manner. I've been rather under the weather with a cold this past week, and I've been pretty depressed. So everything fell a little behind. Since I've been depressed lately I decided it might be an apt topic to discuss in this post.

Many times when I am depressed I try and take a moment to wonder why I'm feeling so down. In many ways I have a nearly ideal life. My wife and I have jobs, we have decent financial security, I am in graduate school studying the topics I love very most in this life, I have a group of loving and supportive family and friends, and despite being transgender I have a lot of freedom in how I choose to live. While these are the facts of my life, they are dreams that other people only wish they had. The fact that I have this wonderful life makes depression so much more frustrating. I have a fairly good life but often when I am depressed I feel worthless, I hate myself, and I have no desire to keep on living. My depression and self-hatred doesn't correspond in any way to the life I am actually living.

The past month or so my depression has gotten pretty bad. I've dealt with some bad bouts of depression in the past, and I've dealt with my share of suicidal thoughts and feelings. So, I know everything that I should be doing to help combat depression. I have a whole list of therapeutic techniques. So in general when it gets pretty bad I just try and shoulder through things. But recently I had a wake up call when my dear wife broke down crying one night (it was a particularly rough night for me) and told me that one of things she worried most about was that someday when I was really depressed I would attempt to commit suicide when she wasn't around to stop me.

After that I decided that I needed to actively confront my depression rather then just trying to cope with it. BYU has a free counseling service, a major bonus as a student, so I decided that I needed to get a counselor and figure out what else I could do to actively confront my depression. Now, the last thing I wanted to do was go down the gender dysphoria rabbit hole with yet another therapist, particularly one who didn't specialize in transgender issues (I've traveled that road enough times for now). So I decided that I would make sure the conversation stayed focused on depression and specific things that I could do to lessen my depression. After spending some time talking with the therapist and after spending quite a bit of time thinking about it, I came up with a couple things to remember when I am depressed.

1. Depression is something that needs to be actively fought. Every activity or coping mechanism for dealing with depression requires action.
2. Keep moving forward. Even the smallest actions can have a positive impact. Sometimes all it takes to feel a little better is knowing that you are trying.
3. Try and keep things in perspective. My dad shared with me some of the trials and problems he is helping people with currently on his mission and he concluded by saying, “There is no easy solution to your problems either, but maybe you can take some comfort that at least it is not your own bad choices that lead you to your problems!” Hearing that helped a lot. Sometimes we need to put things in perspective and worry about the things that we can control, not the things we wish were different.
4. Sometimes it's not something you can deal with on your own. There is no shame in getting help from others. After meeting with the therapist he recommended I talk to a psychiatrist and inquire about getting put on anti-depressants. I met with the psychiatrist this week and just started some anti-depressants; hopefully they will help.
5. All you can do is do your best. I think the parable of the widow's mite applies really well to depression and mental illness in general. Sometimes we judge people by how much they accomplish. We think that successful people accomplish certain things and accomplishing less is a sign of failure. I think that God looks at how much was sacrificed to accomplish the task. I think God sees more value in the depressed person who had to drag themselves out of bed in the morning and was a little late to work than perhaps in a full days work from others.

This list certainly doesn't magically make me feel better, but I do think it frames my struggle with depression in terms that I can understand and that I can try and control.

The last thing that I always try and do is to stay close to my Savior. My hope in the atonement of Christ gives me strength to continue, and trying to serve others allows me to move past my own trials and struggles and focus on others. My problems become less important when I am involved with the problems of others.

Hopefully some of these ideas can help someone out there, I know they have been helping me lately. I'll leave you with one final piece of advice, to quote Finding Nemo to “just keep swimming.”

Kyle